


for miles to come

by eufoeria



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, internalized/external homophobia, mention of a past minor/adult relationship, mention of past yunjae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-11 04:43:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 32,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7029079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eufoeria/pseuds/eufoeria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Woohyun learns what it means to love Sunggyu</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Winter

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't check any archive warnings because nothing is really severe, but pleases check the tags just in case before reading. Also not sure what to put for the AU tag, but this is an AU where they never became idols.

       “Come back to bed,” Woohyun’s voice rasped as he wrapped his arms around the waist of the man sitting at the edge of his bed. How he could even think of heading back out into the cold, after everything they had done that night, was beyond him. All the news agencies had said they were due for the first snowfall of the year.

       “I don’t cuddle,” the man replied. He shook Woohyun’s arms off after pulling up his underwear, then stood to look for his shirt. Woohyun admired his pale skin, illuminated by the thin light of streetlamps and a half-full moon. It had taken weeks of back and forth messaging to convince the man--Sunggyu--to come over, the evidence of Woohyun’s hard work strewn about the coffee table among the half-empty takeout boxes and completely empty wallet.

       “It’s cold out,” Woohyun sensed victory when Sunggyu hesitated in picking up his jeans from where they lay across the room. “And I’ll cook breakfast.”

       Sunggyu dropped the pants and sighed as he made his way back to bed. Woohyun lifted up the comforter and urged him inside before all the warm air could escape. It wasn’t like he was a big cuddler either--okay,  _ maybe _ he was--but there was something about the quietness of the world just before snowfall that made him not want to be alone. Not tonight.

       “If you get morning wood, don’t expect me to do anything about it,” Sunggyu grumbled as he shifted closer to Woohyun to avoid falling off the cramped mattress. Woohyun laughed and pulled him to his chest, and it wasn’t long before both of them fell asleep.

       And for all that Sunggyu complained about not being a cuddler, it was Woohyun who awoke in the morning to find Sunggyu’s arm slung across his stomach and his head on his chest, his drool creating an uncomfortable stickiness. Woohyun grimaced as he gently slipped from Sunggyu’s grasp and got up to take a shower.

       When he returned, still slightly wet with his chest uncovered, Sunggyu had shifted positions, now lying with his top half exposed and his arms stretched above his head. Woohyun couldn’t tell if he was awake or not until he smiled and said, “Are you trying to seduce me?”

       Woohyun snorted and walked over to the bed where he could climb over him. Sunggyu shivered as drops of cool water fell from Woohyun’s hair onto his chest. “Weren’t you the one who said not to expect anything?”

       “Not unless you say ‘please,’” Woohyun shifted back as Sunggyu pushed himself to sit up, but frowned when he winced in pain and moved a hand to his lower back. “Or maybe we better not.”

       Woohyun smiled and told him which door led to the bathroom as he tossed him one of his old shirts and sweatpants. While Sunggyu showered, Woohyun went to the kitchen to start breakfast. As he laid dishes out on the table, Sunggyu emerged, hair still wet and the shirt hanging loosely on his frame.

       Woohyun remembered to take a breath and cleared his throat. “Uh, so, here’s breakfast. As promised.”

       Sunggyu thanked him and sat down at the table, piling food onto his plate and digging in. He lazily scrolled through messages on his phone in the meantime, and Woohyun took the opportunity to watch him, forgetting to eat until Sunggyu’s eyes flicked up and met his. Woohyun missed the small smile on Sunggyu’s face at the way he ducked his head and shoveled rice into his red cheeks. The rest of the meal was spent in comfortable silence, neither talking even when they were finished and moving dishes to the sink.

       It was only when Sunggyu had shrugged his jacket back on and was at the door that Woohyun was able to blurt out, “Can we do this again?”

       “Um,” Sunggyu’s eyes widened as his hand hesitated on the door handle. “I don’t know, I--”

       “--It’s just that, I had a great time and I thought you had a good time too, and, I don’t know, it’s easier to meet up since we know each other rather than try to set up random dates on Jack’d, and I really--” Woohyun flushed at Sunggyu’s stunned expression as he realized he’d been rambling. “--I really like you,” he finished lamely.

       “Oh.” Woohyun winced at the weak response. He had fucked up, he had gone too fast, and this guy clearly didn’t like him that way or want anything more than--

       “Sure.”

       Woohyun lifted his head, unsure if he heard correctly. Sunggyu cleared his throat. “I just--I’m not used to guys wanting this to be more than a one time thing.”

       “Oh.” They both stood in the doorway awkwardly for a moment, waiting for the other to say something.

       “Then, I’ll text you?” Woohyun hadn’t meant for it to come out as a question, but there were a lot of things he hadn’t meant to do since meeting Sunggyu. Exhibit A: falling way too hard for a guy that was supposed to be a casual hook up.

       “Sure, I guess. I don’t know when I’m free next, but…” Sunggyu flushed as Woohyun smiled and pulled him into a hug.

       They both stammered their goodbyes as Sunggyu left, leaving Woohyun alone in his messy apartment with a huge grin on his face.

       When Sunggyu had said he’d be busy for a while, Woohyun guessed he had meant it, as he rarely returned his texts and evaded any and all attempts to set up a second date. It was three long weeks until Sunggyu finally agreed to come over again. Woohyun felt nervous, as if it were another first date, even though he hadn’t planned for much more than takeout, TV, and sex, this time with the added element of wine. He figured--he  _ hoped _ \--he could cut the next waiting period down to two weeks.

       Evidently Sunggyu had been having similar thoughts, if the bottle of wine clutched tightly in his hand as he knocked on the door proved anything.  His eyes darted around the apartment, never resting on any one thing too long. Woohyun ushered him inside and directed him to the couch as he took the wine bottle to the kitchen and poured them each a glass. Sunggyu mumbled a “thanks” as Woohyun handed him his drink and took the seat next to him.

       “I’m really glad you came,” Woohyun said as he knocked his glass against Sunggyu’s and shifted on his seat to get a better look at him, “You weren’t kidding when you said you’d be busy.”

       “What? Oh, yeah,” Sunggyu downed his glass in several big swallows, “So what are we watching?”

       “I thought you could pick.”

       It wasn’t until halfway through the movie and the rest of the bottle of wine that Sunggyu was able to let his body relax. He leaned fully into Woohyun’s side and let his head rest against his shoulder. Woohyun shifted so that his arm was wrapped around Sunggyu’s lean frame, not caring that it had completely fallen asleep by the time the credits rolled.

       “That movie sucked,” Sunggyu muttered, leaning forward to grab the remote to turn the TV off. Woohyun frowned.

       “What do you mean it sucked?” he argued, rubbing life back into his bicep, “They got to be together in the end.”

       Sunggyu rolled his eyes. “That’s why it sucks. It’s so unrealistic.”

       “What’s unrealistic about marrying the girl he loves when she wakes up from her coma?” Woohyun huffed.

       Sunggyu hummed as he thought of a response and Woohyun took the moment to look at the way the drunken flush on his face had made the tips of his ears pink. The hair on the side of his head that had been resting on Woohyun’s shoulder was disheveled, and apparently Sunggyu had the very troubling habit of sticking the tip of his tongue out as he thought.

       He was cute. Not handsome--the only thing head-turning about him was how exceedingly average he looked at first glance. Sunggyu was like a mystery, and each newly-discovered piece of evidence only served to uncover some greater truth that Woohyun was not yet privy to. His lisp, his pout, his incessant need to argue at every point: in that moment Kim Sunggyu felt like a puzzle, one that Woohyun found himself desperately wanting to piece together just for the satisfaction of it.

       “Woohyun?”

       “Oh, hm?” Woohyun was pulled back to the present only to find Sunggyu pouting at his lackluster response.

       “I said,” Sunggyu leaned closer on the couch, his words beginning to slur, “It would have been more meaningful if she had died. It makes the whole lesson the movie was trying to get across pointless if she lives, and it’s clear she only lived because it’d make audiences happier.”

       Dazed, Woohyun stared at him for a moment before leaning in to kiss him gently. He was way too drunk to come up with a response, but sober enough to appreciate the way that Sunggyu was the one who deepened the kiss. He climbed fully onto Woohyun’s lap and cupped his face in both hands.

       When they broke apart Woohyun whispered, “Has anyone told you that you’re extremely depressing?”

       Sunggyu laughed and kissed him again.

       The day Sunggyu agreed to a third date, Woohyun treated Kibum to drinks. It was only fair, since Kibum was the friend who had convinced him to download the app in the first place.

       “What’s so great about this guy anyway?” Kibum asked, flagging a waiter down for another round of drinks.

       Woohyun took another sip from his glass and hummed. “He’s cute.”

       “There are tons of cute guys in Seoul.”

       “Not as cute as him.” Woohyun finished off his drink as the waiter set two more glasses on the table.

       Kibum frowned. “Show me his picture again.”

       Woohyun pulled up Sunggyu’s profile and handed over his phone. Kibum flipped through the pictures, though there weren’t many there, before handing it back. “He’s okay.”

       “Bullshit!” Woohyun realized his voice was getting too loud, and he was almost drunk enough not to care. He lowered his voice anyways at Kibum’s glare. “Look at his lips.”

       Kibum pushed away the phone Woohyun had shoved in his face. “They’re nice, but have you seen the rest of his face? And his interests are listening to music and watching movies, the two most boring hobbies in the world.”

       Woohyun took his phone back and pouted, flipping through the pictures again. “He doesn’t just listen to music, he’s a  _ composer _ . And he has…  _ interesting _ opinions on movies.”

       “Ugh,” Kibum grimaced, “just have some consideration for us single people.”

       Woohyun smirked. “You’re just mad that Hyeongseop still hasn’t texted you back.”

       Kibum stuck out his tongue and they both laughed. For the rest of the night they drank and talked until it felt like they could do anything.

       This was how it went: every weekend Sunggyu and Woohyun met at one of their apartments. They talked about anything and everything except for what they were, and what it meant. They drank. They fucked.

       He learned things about Sunggyu, or rather, Sunggyu allowed Woohyun to learn things about him. Every piece of information was pried from him like his heart had formed a steel cage around even the most inane facts about his life. He was a composer who had dreamed of becoming a rock star. Because his family was poor, he did his military service right out of high school, just like Woohyun. He came to Seoul to pursue music when his parents gave him the ultimatum of giving it up or being kicked out. His parents and his older sister still lived in Jeonju, last he heard. He hadn’t spoken to them in years.

       And Sunggyu learned about Woohyun, though there wasn’t much to tell. He was born in Seoul, grew up in Seoul, and his one big rebellion in life was working at a restaurant that wasn’t owned by his parents or older brother. He hadn’t been “dating” men for very long, if that was even what he could call it (“I knew it,” Sunggyu had laughed), and Sunggyu was the first reasonably successful encounter that hadn’t ended with the other party never speaking to him again.

       One night, as they both lay panting, too tired to move except to wipe the semen off of both their stomachs, Sunggyu asked Woohyun, “When did you know?”

       “When did I know what?” Woohyun shifted closer to where Sunggyu was lying on the bed, still covered in sweat, and kissed his shoulder.

       Sunggyu turned onto his side to look at him. “You know what.”

       Woohyun sighed and lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. “College. I guess I’d always kind of known, but didn’t have a word for it.”

       Sunggyu hummed, reaching his hand out to rest on Woohyun’s chest. His fingers drew faint patterns as Woohyun covered it with his own and squeezed.

       “What about you?” Woohyun asked, closing his eyes.

       “High school. I would never have known if this older guy hadn’t come on to me,” Sunggyu paused, letting himself feel Woohyun’s heartbeat under his palm, “I had never felt that way with any girl.”

       “How much older?” Sunggyu was quiet for a moment.

       “You know I have a sister, right? Five years older?” Woohyun nodded and waited for him to continue. His thumb rubbed small circles on the back of Sunggyu’s hand, which had curled into a fist. “Well, she had a boyfriend, a couple years older than her. His name was Dohyun.”

       Woohyun’s breath caught. He tried to squeeze the hand under his, but Sunggyu withdrew it, moving back to lying on his back.

       “Sunggyu--”

       “I know what you’re thinking,” Sunggyu continued, staring only at the ceiling, “but it wasn’t like he raped me or anything. We just kissed, once.”

       Woohyun tried to name what Sunggyu felt from staring at his profile, but couldn’t figure it out. Sadness? Guilt? Ambivalence? Happiness? Maybe he felt all of those things. Maybe he felt nothing at all.

       “I guess I had kind of hero-worshipped him, or maybe it was my first crush and I couldn’t see it at the time. He was this cool, older hyung who actually let me hang out with him. He was the first person to treat me like an adult,” Sunggyu smiled, “and one day, while we were alone in the kitchen and my sister was in the living room, he kissed me.”

       The smile fell from Sunggyu’s lips and he closed his eyes. “I told him it was wrong, that he had my sister, but I had never felt anything more right in my life. I had kissed before, but I had never really,” Sunggyu raised his arm to gesture vaguely in the air, “ _ kissed _ .”

       Sunggyu finally turned his head to meet Woohyun’s gaze. “Anyways, I avoided him after that and he never made another move.”

       Woohyun was quiet, not knowing how to respond. Maybe there was no good response, or maybe the only response possible was the one he gave: gently pulling Sunggyu into his arms and pressing a soft kiss onto the top of his head.

       It was a long time before either of them fell asleep.

       They never met outside of their apartments. It wasn’t like Woohyun hadn’t asked; Sunggyu just kept turning him down. The first time Woohyun saw Sunggyu in public was completely by accident.

       He had only come to the grocery store with his friend Howon to pick up booze and snacks when he caught sight of a familiar head of brown hair. Sunggyu was carrying a grocery basket, staring hard at the ingredients on a box of cereal when Woohyun called out for him.

       “Sunggyu!” His head shot up, turning left to right to identify who had called him. When he saw Woohyun waving at him with a stranger at his side, his eyes widened in alarm as he returned a small wave. “Sunggyu, this is Howon. He’s that friend from high school I was telling you about. The one who works at the restaurant with me now?”

       “Hi, Howon,” Sunggyu said as he took a step back, searching for any possible escape route.

       Woohyun, oblivious to his discomfort, gestured to Sunggyu. “Howon, this is Sunggyu. Uh, Sunggyu-hyung is my--”

       Sunggyu shifted awkwardly on his feet as Woohyun’s smile fell while he struggled to pick a word.

       “Friend. Sunggyu-hyung is my friend,” Woohyun finally said.

       Howon stretched out his hand to shake. “Nice to meet you, hyung.”

       “Nice to meet you too.” Sunggyu took another step back. “It was nice to see you, but I’m kind of in a rush, so…”

       “Oh! Yeah, okay,” Woohyun replied, but before he could even finish Sunggyu had turned around and made his way to the register. Woohyun frowned at his retreating form before being tugged by Howon towards the discount wine racks.

       Sunggyu’s reaction was still bothering Woohyun when he arrived at his apartment the next evening. His shoulders sagged in relief when everything appeared to be normal. Sunggyu shut the door behind him and pulled him into a hug.

       “Ah, I see you brought the good stuff,” Sunggyu commented, examining the label on the bottle of wine as he took it from Woohyun’s hand, “It must be somebody’s birthday.”

       “Nobody’s birthday, but mine  _ is _ coming up in a couple of weeks,” Woohyun replied, following him into the kitchen. As usual, it was sparse, the only sign that anyone used it being the empty beer cans and takeout boxes piled into the overflowing garbage can. Woohyun winced at the thought that it was probably the same garbage that had been there the last time he was over.

       Sunggyu frowned as he worked the bottle of wine open. “You didn’t tell me that.”

       “I just did,” Woohyun smiled as Sunggyu pouted, and reached into the cabinet to grab glasses.

       “Should we do anything special?” Sunggyu asked. After he had poured them both glasses, he jumped up to sit on the countertop. Woohyun stood between his knees and looked up at him.

       “Kibum was already planning on taking me clubbing that night,” Woohyun chose his words carefully, “You should be my date.”

       Woohyun took a sip from his glass, anything to avoid looking into his eyes. Sunggyu frowned. “Woohyun-ah, I don’t think it’s a good idea--”

       “It’s just clubbing,” he interjected, moving his hand to rub Sunggyu’s thigh, “And Kibum’s…  _ that way _ too, so… Come with me? You can bring your friends too.”

       Sunggyu furrowed his brow as he thought about it. Woohyun stilled his hand, but his thumb continued to rub small circles onto the inside of Sunggyu’s thigh.

       “Are you really gonna let me go home alone on my birthday?” Woohyun decided it was time to switch tactics. He put on his best pout and leaned in. Sunggyu laughed and pushed his head away.

       “Who said I’d go home with you?”

       “So is that a ‘yes’?” Woohyun grabbed Sunggyu’s wrists and pouted again. Sunggyu smiled and bit his lip.

       “Fine, but you owe me,” Sunggyu replied. He laughed again as Woohyun leaned forward to pepper his face with kisses, working his way up to his ear.

       “I think I know how to make it up to you,” Woohyun said quietly, then kissed the junction of skin between Sunggyu’s ear and neck. Sunggyu smiled and punched his shoulder playfully.

       “Pervert.”

       “You know you love it.” Sunggyu groaned and pushed Woohyun away so he could slide off the counter. Before he could move, Woohyun trapped him between his arms, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.

       “Are you going to tell me what was wrong when I saw you at the grocery store yesterday?” Woohyun mumbled against his lips, then pulled back to study his face. He felt Sunggyu tense against him.

       “Nothing was wrong,” Sunggyu said quietly, refusing to meet his gaze.

       “You looked like you were trying to ignore that I was even there.”

       “Look, can we just forget about it?” Sunggyu’s sharp glare pierced Woohyun as if he could bleed the curiosity from him.

       “Are you mad that I said you were just a ‘friend’?” Woohyun asked, voice still quiet. He hadn’t been thinking when he said it. It wasn’t like Woohyun didn’t want to introduce him as his boyfriend, but it was something they didn’t talk about, and it was something he couldn’t do anything about anyway. The only friend he was out to was Kibum.

       “How can I be mad at you for that?” Sunggyu sighed. “You really haven’t dated that many men, have you?”

       Woohyun tilted his head to the side. “What does that have to do with anything?”

       “It’s just,” Sunggyu sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair, “most guys don’t-- they don’t want their straight friends meeting the guy they’re fucking. Too many questions.”

       Woohyun frowned. “Do other guys do that? Just pretend they don’t know you when they see you?”

       “What else are they supposed to do, Woohyun? We’re not exes. We’re not friends. We’re just-- we were just strangers who got each other off.” Sunggyu crossed his arms. He was two centimeters taller than Woohyun, but just then he seemed much smaller.

       “I’m sorry they did that,” Woohyun said softly as he gripped Sunggyu’s biceps, “I don’t know about you, but I-- I think of you as more than just some sex friend.”

       Sunggyu scoffed. “So what does that make us? Boyfriends?”

       “Sure. Or lovers.” Woohyun pulled him into an embrace. After a moment, Sunggyu seemed to come to a decision and let his body relax against Woohyun’s. He wrapped his arms around Woohyun’s waist and rested his head on his shoulder.

       “Okay.” Sunggyu’s voice was small, so small Woohyun nearly missed it. He realized that Sunggyu had never told him what he was  _ actually _ mad about, but it could wait. They had time, and they had each other. He wasn’t sure what to call whatever it was he felt at that moment. So instead of naming it, he locked the small concession into the part of his mind where he kept all the pieces that made up Sunggyu, so that he might one day understand them.

       The night of Woohyun’s birthday they had all agreed to meet outside a club Kibum had picked. Woohyun and Kibum would arrive after celebrating with Woohyun’s restaurant staff, and Sunggyu would arrive with his friend around the same time.

       When Sunggyu arrived, he received a text from Woohyun that the party had run late. It was bitterly cold out, enough so that Sunggyu decided to text Woohyun to meet him inside. He was on his third drink by the time Woohyun arrived, but it appeared he had a lot of catching up to do if Woohyun’s condition was anything to go by.

       When Woohyun caught sight of Sunggyu and his friend standing by the bar, he began to yell and wave until Kibum ducked his head and dragged him over there by his elbow. 

       “He’s your problem now,” Kibum said, pushing Woohyun into Sunggyu’s arms. “I assume you’re Sunggyu?”

       “Kibummie, this is my boyfriend,” Woohyun slurred, slinging an arm roughly around Sunggyu’s neck. Sunggyu winced and removed it before shaking his hand.

       “Wow, I didn’t know Sunggyu let anyone call him call him ‘boyfriend,’” Sunggyu’s friend commented, eyebrows raised.

       “Oh, Woohyun,” Sunggyu spoke slowly, “This is my friend, Heechul. I told you about him, remember?”

       “Oh, yeah,” Woohyun mumbled, too drunk to notice Heechul’s amused expression and outstretched hand. “Sunggyu, let’s go dancing.”

       “Woohyun, I don’t--”

       Whatever protests Sunggyu had died in his throat as Woohyun dragged him to the dancefloor. He closed his eyes and prayed.  _ Sorry, Heechul-hyung _ .

       Woohyun pulled Sunggyu so that his back was pressed into his chest and Woohyun’s hands were on his hips, then began to sway to the music. It was loud. Woohyun felt the bass reverberate in his chest, making his heart beat faster to catch up. Sunggyu let Woohyun lead. Neither of them were particularly gifted dancers to begin with, so their only saving grace was that Woohyun’s shame hadn’t followed him to the club.

       Soon Sunggyu was turned around, and Woohyun lost all control. For a moment that night, while watching Woohyun dance like a maniac, Sunggyu stopped caring about what they were or what they looked like, and laughed. He laughed until tears pricked at his eyes, and soon Woohyun was laughing too. It didn’t matter why--they were there, they were alive, and they were together.

       When they were both tired, they made their way over to the bar. Heechul and Kibum had disappeared. Sunggyu leaned onto the counter, breathless and flushed, and ordered shots. He was laughing at a dumb joke Woohyun had told when he felt an arm snake around his shoulder.

       “Ah! Jaejoong-hyung!” Sunggyu smiled as Jaejoong lightly squeezed his shoulders. Sunggyu introduced his friend to Woohyun before bidding him goodbye. Woohyun only then realized that Sunggyu had probably greeted half the men in the club and knew the bartender by name.

       “It’s like you know everyone here,” Woohyun mumbled into his glass.

       Sunggyu tilted his head. “Hm? I guess you could say that.”

       “I thought the reason you didn’t want to come was because you didn’t like clubs,” Woohyun laughed lightly. He was trying to reconcile his Sunggyu, the one who read too many books and liked playing the piano when he was sad, with this new Sunggyu before him.

       “I never said that,” Sunggyu smiled and leaned in closer. Woohyun gulped. “What do you think I did every weekend before I met you?”

       “Nothing. You were born to meet me, after all.” Sunggyu laughed and leaned against Woohyun, his head on his shoulder. Neither of them were the most stable at that moment, but at least Woohyun was built a bit sturdier.

       Sunggyu closed his eyes as he spoke quietly into Woohyun’s ear. “Are you jealous, Woohyun-ah?”

       Woohyun smiled. “Yeah, and you’re a terrible boyfriend for making me jealous on my birthday.”

       Sunggyu pressed a soft kiss onto Woohyun’s neck. “Let me make it up to you.”

       It wasn’t long before they were crammed into the back of a cab on their way to Woohyun’s apartment. As hard as Sunggyu tried, it was impossible to keep Woohyun’s hand from blatantly rubbing up and down the inside of his thigh. He was mortified, and prayed that he would never see the cab driver again for as long as he lived. Woohyun, for his part, was completely shameless. After Woohyun leaned over and whispered “I’m so fucking horny” into his ear, Sunggyu even began to debate the merits of jumping from a moving car.

       They barely made it inside before Woohyun had pushed him against the wall, struggling to get Sunggyu’s clothes off by whatever means necessary. Sunggyu was sure they would both throw up if they tried to do things vertically, so he used the benefit of being the slightly more sober one to drag Woohyun to the bedroom.

       Sunggyu was naked, lying on his back while Woohyun fumbled with the bottle of lube. He covered his dick with it, and when Sunggyu realized what he was trying to do--

       "Ow! Fuck! Woohyun! Stop it!" Sunggyu punctuated each word with a kick until Woohyun relented. "You can't just put it in! I'm not a girl!"

       Woohyun could only mumble unintelligibly, and Sunggyu realized he was going to have to do all the work himself that night.

       "God," he said, flipping their positions and grabbing the bottle for himself, "It's like it's your first time." He began to work himself open. "This is why I don't do virgins-- I don't suppose you could help me out and grab a condom?"

       Sunggyu gritted his teeth at Woohyun's dazed smile and slurred words. "But, hyung, it's my birthday," he whined, "I'm clean, I swear!"

       Sunggyu thought about arguing for a moment, but gave up. There was no real dignified way to debate when one person had three fingers up their ass. “As long as you don’t come inside.”

       Woohyun could never ask him for anything ever again after this. When he was ready, or as ready as he could be given both of their states, he let Woohyun slide in. He moved a bit experimentally before letting Woohyun thrust up. Trying to ride Woohyun after drinking so much was not one of Sunggyu’s better ideas, to say the least. He was so sure he was going to vomit as soon as they were done, he began to search around the room frantically for the trash bin. It wasn’t the worst sex of his life, but it was quickly rocketing to infamy.

       After he got a bit more used to the rhythm he finally began to feel like the night might be salvageable. If he kept his eyes focused on one spot, the room almost stopped spinning enough for him to enjoy himself. Of course, like all the enjoyable things in his life up until that point, everything had an end. It came when he heard Woohyun shout, and felt a sudden warmth inside himself.

       Sunggyu pounded his fist against Woohyun’s chest. “I am going to  _ kill you _ when you sober up, Nam Woohyun.”

       Woohyun frowned and tried to grab Sunggyu’s dick. “Sorry, baby, let me--”

       “Just. Leave it.” Sunggyu grunted, slipping off of Woohyun and flopping down onto the mattress next to him.  _ Now _ he could say that it was officially the worst sex ever.

       “I wanna marry you,” Woohyun mumbled, curling up to Sunggyu’s side like a cat. Yeah, only a cat would have so little remorse.

       “We can’t get married, stupid,” Sunggyu muttered, praying that he’d just fall asleep already.

       Woohyun sighed and pulled Sunggyu in closer, until the smell of alcohol on Woohyun’s breath was strong enough to make Sunggyu gag again. “I wanna get married, and have two kids. I want boy who looks like me and a girl who looks like you.”

       “What girl would wanna look like me,” Sunggyu grumbled, “We can’t have kids, stupid. I’m not a girl.”

       Sunggyu listened for a response, but Woohyun was already asleep and snoring lightly, limbs heavy where they were wrapped around Sunggyu’s body. Sunggyu pried himself from Woohyun’s grasp to go clean up in the bathroom. After cleaning up his ass (Woohyun would not be hearing the end of  _ that _ for a while), Sunggyu splashed water onto his face and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Hands clasped on either side of the sink, he hung his head.

       “What are you doing, Kim Sunggyu?” he groaned. Woohyun had really hit the nail on the head, hadn’t he? He wasn’t a girl, and they couldn’t get married or have kids or even go on dates in public. He wondered what the point was.

       Years from now, they would continue to meet each other on the weekends, probably even move in together. And do what? Be alone, just the two of them in their too-quiet apartment for the rest of their lives? What comes next? How long would it be until Woohyun decided that it wouldn’t be enough? That he’d rather have the wedding and the kids, even if that meant finding some plain, small-eyed girl who vaguely looked like Sunggyu to marry? Hell, Woohyun was charming  _ and  _ good-looking; he could probably upgrade. If he wanted to, he could marry a nice girl from a good background with eyes where he could actually tell if they were open or closed.

       As these thoughts raced through Sunggyu’s mind, he suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was too much, too fast. His sober rationality wasn’t there to keep them at bay, and his only distraction was so soundly asleep that he might as well be dead to the world. He squeezed his eyes shut to prevent tears from falling, but some still slipped through. He had to get out. He couldn’t go back to that bed, back to Woohyun, without spending the rest of the night panicking about--about shit that  _ did _ matter, but wouldn’t help him to think about right at that moment.

       He was gracious enough to leave a note, some bullshit excuse about work that Woohyun wouldn’t buy for a minute, before making his escape. The streets were deserted and the subway had long since stopped running. His nearly empty wallet screamed as he called for another taxi, and he let the cool air numb him as he waited. He shivered as he felt the still-wet tear tracks on his face freeze. He tried counting stars to distract himself from his thoughts, but as was typical in that god forsaken city, he could only make it up to five. And those were probably planets, not stars. And--oh, God, he needed to stop trying to think. He couldn’t help but whisper a quiet apology as looked back to stare at the window he thought belonged to Woohyun.

       In the morning, Woohyun woke to what felt like hot knives in his head and a cold, empty bed. He thought Sunggyu might be in the bathroom, but he didn’t hear the shower running. And Sunggyu didn’t cook, even if it was the day after Woohyun’s birthday. He forced himself to get up and check the living room.

       “Sunggyu?” he winced at how loud his voice was. Sunggyu wasn’t in the living room, nor was he in the kitchen. All Woohyun could find was a note: “Woohyun, I remembered I have an early recording, so I’m leaving. Happy Birthday. Sunggyu.”

       Woohyun struggled to remember what time Sunggyu might have left last night, but everything after leaving the club was a blur. He could tell that they had done…  _ something _ because he had woken up without any clothes, but he couldn’t remember  _ what _ and it made him nervous. It felt like the minute he looked away Sunggyu would disappear. He wanted to remember everything about their time together. He was afraid, against his own rationality, that he had somehow missed something very important.

       He dialed Sunggyu’s number, but no one answered. Woohyun figured he might as well sleep off his hangover and headed back to his room, but his body apparently had other ideas, and soon he was hunched over his toilet, regretting ever setting eyes on a bottle of soju. Exhausted, he brushed his teeth to rid himself of the foul taste and collapsed on his bed. Thank god it was Monday and the restaurant was closed. He sent a quick text to Sunggyu, asking him to call him back when he read it, and fell into a dreamless sleep.

       It was dark out when Woohyun awoke. He could hear the faint ringing from the phone he had lost somewhere in the covers. When he found it, he winced at the shrill noise, but at least the room no longer felt like it was spinning.

       “Sunggyu?” he croaked, holding the phone up to his ear and collapsing on the bed again.

       “No, it’s me. Disappointed?” Kibum replied. “Wait. Don’t answer that.”

       “You’re a real bastard for letting me drink that much last night,” Woohyun groaned, scrubbing his face with his free hand, “I feel like shit.”

       Kibum laughed, and Woohyun winced again and held the phone away from his ear until his friend could collect himself. “ _ You _ were the asshole who kept taking other people’s drinks! I’m pretty sure the only reason Howon didn’t punch you was because it was your birthday.”

       “Fuck,” Woohyun sighed. That apology would be awkward as hell.

       “Listen, as much as I’d love to relive you  _ abandoning _ me in that club,” Kibum was sure to enunciate every syllable, “I’ve got things to do, so--”

       “Oh, right. Have you heard from Sunggyu? And I know the only other plans you have tonight are taking more pictures of your dogs for Instagram.”

       “You’re a dick,” Kibum replied, “And no, I haven’t. He’s your boyfriend, not mine. I thought you two went home together?”

       “We did,” Woohyun groaned, “but he was gone when I woke up this morning and I don’t remember anything after leaving the club.”

       “So? He probably had things to do.”

       Woohyun hummed in agreement. Kibum was probably right, but something still felt off to him. “But he always spends the night.”

       “Well then maybe you said something. Ask him,” Kibum sighed, “I really do have to go; I just wanted to make sure you were still alive. Bye, Woohyun.”

       Woohyun mumbled goodbye and tried dialing Sunggyu’s number again. When no one picked up, he threw his phone off the bed and sighed. What could he do? He needed to talk to Sunggyu. Option A: he knew sometimes Sunggyu’s recording sessions ran late, and if he was half as hungover as Woohyun, then he surely had gotten a late start anyways. So maybe, he really hadn’t seen Woohyun’s missed calls or text message. Option B: Woohyun had done something stupid, and Sunggyu was ignoring him. Option C: all of the above.

       Woohyun groaned and sat up. Sunggyu wasn’t exactly easy to deal with on the best of days. If he really was mad, Woohyun wouldn’t be talking to him until Sunggyu wanted to talk to him, and who knew when that would be? Coming to a decision, he stood up, grabbed his phone and his keys, and got ready to leave. It was only 9pm, so he might not even be home yet, but he had to try.

       Woohyun stood outside Sunggyu’s door and knocked. Hearing no answer, he decided to try calling again. He heard a muffled ringing coming from inside the apartment before someone (and he could guess who) muttered a soft “ _ shit”  _ and silenced it.

       “Sunggyu, I know you’re in there,” Woohyun said as he knocked again, harder this time. Again there was no answer. Woohyun sighed and muttered “childish” before switching tactics.

       “If you don’t open the door,” Woohyun spoke louder, “I’m just going to have to sing loud enough for all your neighbors to hear.”

       He pulled out his phone and started playing some pop song he knew Sunggyu hated and began to sing along. His cheeks and ears were burning, but he had to hold out just a little bit longer. It was only a matter of time. He heard the elevator  _ ding _ at the end of the hall and knew he had found his chance.

       “Hey, Mrs. Lee!” Woohyun said cheerfully, waving at Sunggyu’s elderly and (thankfully) nearly deaf nextdoor neighbor, “How are you this evening?”

       The old woman grunted and entered her apartment. Woohyun knew his plan had worked when he heard thumping coming from inside. Sunggyu swung the door open and dragged Woohyun in by his collar.

       “What the  _ hell _ do you think you’re doing?” Sunggyu hissed, pushing him against the wall.

       Woohyun’s breath hitched. Sunggyu displayed a remarkable amount of strength for someone who believed exercise was a form of cruel and unusual punishment. It appeared as though Sunggyu had felt bad enough to call off work. His hair stuck up in all directions and he was wearing nothing but boxer briefs and an old t-shirt Woohyun had left behind one night. Woohyun grabbed both his wrists and pried them off his jacket.

       “You weren’t answering my calls,” he replied nervously, licking his lips.

       “There’s a  _ reason _ for that,” Sunggyu told him, taking his wrists back from Woohyun’s vicegrip and rubbing the life back into them.

       Woohyun sighed. “And I’m guessing that reason would be me?”

       “No shit.” Sunggyu turned around, resigned to Woohyun’s presence in his apartment, and made his way into the living room. It was as messy as always. There was sheet music strewn about the keyboard. Woohyun followed him and wrapped his arms around his waist from behind. 

       “I’m sorry,” he whined, kissing Sunggyu’s neck.

       “Do you even remember what happened last night after we got home?” When Woohyun didn’t respond, Sunggyu scoffed and slipped from his embrace. “Of course you don’t.”

       “I won’t know if you don’t tell me, Gyu,” Woohyun reached forward to grab Sunggyu’s arm. Apparently, that was a mistake. Sunggyu spun around and grabbed Woohyun’s wrist, only letting go when Woohyun cried mercy.

       “After last night you’re a long way from calling me cutesy nicknames, Nam Woohyun,” Sunggyu growled, “and if you want to know, last night was officially the worst sex of my life. You should be proud.”

       Woohyun gulped. Sunggyu didn’t wait for a response and went to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Woohyun gently knocked before entering behind him. Sunggyu was laying on his side, half-buried in the covers, facing away. Woohyun climbed quietly onto the bed and cuddled up behind him, wrapping an arm around his chest. When Sunggyu didn’t pull away Woohyun assumed he had permission to speak.

       “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, “I was an idiot.”

       Sunggyu remained silent. Woohyun tightened his grip around him. “Let me make it up to you, Gyu.”

       After a moment, Sunggyu spoke. “And how are you going to do that?”

       Woohyun smiled and pressed a kiss into the nape of Sunggyu’s neck. “I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

       Sunggyu sighed. Woohyun could hear his smile when he replied, “I’ll think about it and get back to you.”

       “And you’re only mad about the bad sex, right?”

       Sunggyu was quiet for a moment. “Yeah. That’s all.”

       “Must have been pretty bad then,” Woohyun laughed, closing his eyes.

       “Yeah,” Sunggyu whispered. After a moment he turned around to face Woohyun. “You can’t stay here. We have work tomorrow.”

       Woohyun groaned and pulled Sunggyu closer. His eyes remained closed, but he could feel Sunggyu’s nose brush against his. He was growing sleepy again, but he’d have to leave soon if he wanted to catch the last train home.

       “I should start leaving a toothbrush and a change of clothes here,” he mumbled. He could feel better than he could hear the small hitch in Sunggyu’s breath.

       “I thought you were still trying to get back in my good graces,” Sunggyu whispered.

       Woohyun laughed. “I know, but… eventually. Your place is closer to the restaurant anyways.”

       Sunggyu closed his eyes, and he was sure that with their proximity Woohyun could hear how his heart began to thrum against his chest. “I’ll think about it.”

       Woohyun smiled and pressed a kiss to Sunggyu’s lips, and then another one. Soon, he was dangerously close to calling off work, just so he could spend another moment on top of Sunggyu, wrapped in his arms with Woohyun's hands cupping his face, sharing languid kisses.

       “Mmf. Woohyun. Get off,” Sunggyu grunted, pounding his fist against Woohyun’s shoulder. Woohyun groaned and leaned heavier against Sunggyu. Sunggyu shifted his leg from where it was trapped between Woohyun’s and felt something hard. “Really?”

       “Shut up. You smell nice.” Woohyun rolled over as Sunggyu gave another push against his shoulder.

       Sunggyu laughed. “This is payback. Go home.”

       Woohyun gave one last look at Sunggyu’s smile before pushing himself up. It didn’t matter what Sunggyu asked of him to make up for last night. It didn’t matter how long it would take for him to take over a drawer in Sunggyu’s dresser, or space in the medicine cabinet by his sink. He would wait--he would wait until Sunggyu was ready to carve out those spaces for him, to let Woohyun fill the empty places in his life until they were both whole. He said goodbye and smiled at Sunggyu’s sleepy wave before heading home.


	2. Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big fights and wedding nights.

       It would be an understatement to say that Sunggyu made Woohyun work to get back on his good side, but that was okay. Woohyun would give up a thousand petty arguments, listen to countless CDs of music he didn’t get, anything if it meant Sunggyu would forgive him. He didn’t forget what he had asked of Sunggyu, but he didn’t remind him either. He knew Sunggyu didn’t need it. He would take it as seriously as he took everything in his life--extremely so, with an annoying amount of overthinking.

       As the months passed, Sunggyu’s friends became Woohyun’s, and soon he was pretty sure he knew half the gay men in Seoul. It was harder for Sunggyu when he encountered Woohyun’s friends. They had come up with a cover story, that they had met through Kibum, but it pained Woohyun every time he would hang out with them and they would joke about finding him a girl. It was worse when they did it in front of Sunggyu.

       In April, Woohyun finally convinced him to go on a date with him in public. Nothing extravagant, Sunggyu insisted, just a movie and then a late dinner. They met outside the theater. Woohyun waved at Sunggyu as he approached the entrance. It was the first warm night of the year, and as cute as Woohyun found Sunggyu in those oversized sweaters and hoodies he was obsessed with, he appreciated the way warm-weather clothing clung to his body.

       “Have you been waiting long?” Sunggyu smiled, and Woohyun attempted to hug him, but aborted the motion when he remembered where they were. 

       “No,” he replied, leading Sunggyu inside, “You look nice tonight.”

       Sunggyu rolled his eyes, but Woohyun didn’t miss the way his cheeks flushed as he went to go pick up their tickets. Sunggyu had insisted on picking the movie, and if that got him to meet Woohyun outside their apartments or the club then so be it. Woohyun could sit through some artsy, depressing film for that.

       “You want popcorn?” Woohyun asked when he returned.

       “Sure.” As they waited in line at the concessions stand, Woohyun’s arm itched to sneak around Sunggyu’s shoulders. He was standing right  _ there _ , but he knew all it would earn him was a sharp glare.

       They had arrived early enough to grab seats in the back row. As they settled in, Woohyun asked “So what’s this movie about?”

       Sunggyu launched into a long monologue about the plot of the film and how it connected to the director’s other works. Woohyun couldn’t really follow, but he enjoyed the way Sunggyu’s hands gestured and his lisp became more pronounced as he got excited. He made sure to nod in appropriate places so that Sunggyu wouldn’t catch on, but something told Woohyun that Sunggyu would always be able to see right through him, and that he had been humoring him all along.

       Halfway through the movie Woohyun was really wishing he had listened more closely to Sunggyu’s summary from earlier, anything to prepare him for how soul-crushingly depressing the film would be. It wasn’t until he felt Sunggyu’s warm hand slip into his own that he realized he was crying. He quickly wiped his eyes, but he knew from the light squeeze Sunggyu gave that he had been caught. As hard as he tried not to, he was openly bawling by the end, and even Sunggyu had to wipe a tear or two from his cheeks.

       Woohyun didn’t let go of his hand. Not as they pushed through the crowd to exit the theater as the credits rolled. Not until they entered the lobby. It was just one older man at first, but Woohyun began to notice other people staring too: a mother with her unruly kids, a small group of elderly women. Something cold gripped his heart and spread its numbness to his throat and stomach. He shook free from Sunggyu’s grip.

       “Sorry, I’ll be right back,” Woohyun gasped, pointing towards the men’s restroom. Sunggyu nodded and told him he’d wait in the lobby.

       He sighed as he stared into the mirror of the restroom. He hadn’t really needed to go, but he needed to get out of there, if only for a moment. He remembered Sunggyu was out there waiting for him and cursed. He tried to convince himself that he had been too self-conscious, but he couldn’t work up the nerve to grab Sunggyu’s hand again as they walked back to his car.

       Woohyun was quiet during the drive to the restaurant. Sunggyu attempted to fill in the silence with comments about how good the movie was, but couldn’t work out more than a word or two at a time from Woohyun.

       He seemed to have relaxed by the time they were seated. They ordered, and after the waiter took their menus he was back to joking about Sunggyu’s terrible taste in film.

       “Why do you like these movies?” Woohyun asked, “You’re either a masochist because you like to feel sad at the endings, or you’re a sadist because you like watching other people suffer.”

       Sunggyu raised his brows and smiled, resting an elbow on the table. “Oh, yeah? Then which one do  _ you _ think I am?”

       Woohyun hummed. The waiter brought them their wine and he took a sip before responding. “A sadist. Definitely.”

       Sunggyu laughed, and it rang in Woohyun’s ears like church bells and windchimes. “I knew you’d say that.”

       “No, wait, I take it back. You’re a masochist because only masochists can be so pessimistic,” Woohyun smiled as Sunggyu’s smile transformed into a pout. He loved keeping track of Sunggyu’s expressions, hoping that with each new one his brain might choose to preserve it, so that a hundred years from now he’d still remember the way Sunggyu’s lips stretched over his teeth when he was happy, or how his brow furrowed when he was deep in thought.

       “So which one are you?”

       “Hm?” Sunggyu’s eyes widened.

       Woohyun swirled the contents of his wine glass. “Are you a sadist or a masochist?”

       “If you’re lucky,” Sunggyu smiled dangerously, “maybe one day I’ll let you find out.”

       Woohyun realized that, whatever Sunggyu was, Woohyun himself must be a masochist. He loved the way Sunggyu’s every word set him on edge. He felt like he was at the brink of a very high precipice, and one more push was all it would take to make him fall, to ruin him.

       The rest of the dinner continued in peace until Woohyun felt Sunggyu unconsciously take his hand that was resting on the table. He jumped, but Sunggyu didn’t seem to notice, as he continued talking about some funny story Heechul had told him. His long fingers gently played with Woohyun’s, and it only made him hyper-aware of every nerve ending on his body. On the one hand, it was no small victory for Sunggyu to hold his hand in public. On the other, it didn’t feel like a victory when his eyes began to scan for people staring.

       When the waiter came by a moment later to hand them their check, Woohyun took the opportunity to slip his hand away. The car ride back to Sunggyu’s place was quiet. He walked Sunggyu to his doorway and stopped.

       “Your birthday is in a couple weeks, right?” Woohyun asked. Sunggyu turned around and nodded. “Do you want to do anything special? And before you say anything, I already know what I’m going to get you, so you’re getting a present whether you like it or not.”

       Sunggyu smiled. “You didn’t have to get me anything, Hyun.” Woohyun’s breath caught at the nickname. “I’ll take Monday off, so let’s spend that Sunday night together.”

       “Okay,” Woohyun replied, nodding to himself. Sunggyu tilted his head.

       “Aren’t you going to come inside?” Sunggyu stepped further into the entrance, but Woohyun shook his head.

       “No, I’ve got a staff meeting tomorrow, so I’ve got to leave early. No time to drive home from here and get ready,” he lied. He made a cursory glance around the hallway to make sure none of Sunggyu’s neighbors were around before pressing a quick peck to his cheek, “See you next weekend, Gyu.”

       Sunggyu pursed his lips, not entirely believing Woohyun’s story, but bid him goodbye all the same. Woohyun didn’t know why he lied. He just felt like if he stayed the night, Sunggyu would realize everything he’d been thinking that day. If that happened, Woohyun was sure that most of the progress made in the last month would be lost, and it’d make the present he bought a bit awkward to give. He assured himself that that was all it was, and that the next time they went out he would surely take hold of Sunggyu’s hand for the whole world to see.

       Woohyun grew less and less sure of his gift as Sunggyu’s birthday approached. If it were anyone else, he would be confident, but Sunggyu had always been difficult to read. The culmination of his worries manifested itself in him pacing outside Sunggyu’s apartment, too afraid to knock on the door. When he finally worked up the nerve, his knocks were hesitant, but not ten seconds later the door swung open.

       Something in Sunggyu seemed to relax when he saw Woohyun at the door. He ushered him inside and into the living room. Woohyun never got tired of Sunggyu’s apartment. Others might have found it too dark or too sparse; to Woohyun, it was as much a part of Sunggyu as the hair on his head and the long, delicate fingers that signified his profession. The room was decorated with half crumpled sheet music and empty beer cans. There were CD cases stacked dangerously high on top of the keyboard pushed up against the wall. 

       Woohyun pulled Sunggyu into a kiss. As nervous as he was, he had missed him. He loved his job, but it had come to feel like he was constantly waiting for the weekend to arrive, so that he could leave the dinner rush behind and fall asleep tracing patterns on Sunggyu’s soft skin.

       “How’s it feel to be old?” he teased, brushing a kiss against Sunggyu’s nose.

       “I’m not old,” Sunggyu scowled, “I’m only 28.”

       “That’s practically over the hill,” Woohyun grunted as Sunggyu lightly punched his stomach and slipped away. “Do you want your gift now or later?”

       Sunggyu turned around and rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, before that, I actually have something for you too.”

       Woohyun’s eyebrows shot up as Sunggyu slipped into the kitchen. He wasn’t sure what to do, so he sat down on the couch and tried to guess what it could be as he listened to Sunggyu shuffling through drawers. At last, he heard Sunggyu call from the kitchen, “Close your eyes.”

       Woohyun did as he was told and felt the couch dip as Sunggyu sat down next to him. He felt a slight tremor in Sunggyu’s hand as he placed something small and hard into his open palm. Sunggyu’s voice shook imperceptibly, “Okay, you can open them.”

       As Woohyun stared down at the small, shiny, metal key resting in his hand, he did the last thing Sunggyu expected. He laughed. Sunggyu frowned as Woohyun curled his hand around the key, laughing until he nearly fell off the couch. He felt his cheeks get hot. “It was just lying around, and you said you wanted one, but if you don’t like it then just say so, you asshole.”

       Woohyun shook his head and waved his hand, trying to signal that it wasn’t that he didn’t want it. He pulled the small box from his pocket, pressing it into Sunggyu’s hand. Sunggyu furrowed his brow and opened it. Woohyun’s laughter subsided as Sunggyu took out the freshly-cut key. His fingers rubbed  it as if it were magic, and Woohyun’s eyes sparkled.

       “The key to my apartment,” Woohyun explained. His chest grew warm as Sunggyu’s lips split into a smile. “I’m guessing this is the key to yours?”

       Sunggyu nodded silently, still too emotional to speak. Woohyun’s throat went dry when he saw Sunggyu’s eyes fill up. He reached out one hand and held Sunggyu’s face, brushing a thumb against his cheek. When Sunggyu’s eyes met his he couldn’t take it anymore, so he leaned forward and kissed him.

       “Happy Birthday, Sunggyu,” he whispered, his lips ghosting against the skin of Sunggyu’s cheek as he moved to his neck. Sunggyu wrapped his arms around Woohyun’s neck, pulling him closer until he hovered over him on the cramped couch.

       “Thank you,” Sunggyu said quietly, repeating it like a prayer as he kissed every part of Woohyun he could reach. His hands slipped from Woohyun’s neck to fumble with the buttons on his shirt, desperate for contact. He whined when Woohyun pulled away, only to grunt with satisfaction when Woohyun took the opportunity to remove both their shirts completely.

       Woohyun stared down at Sunggyu, the way his lips were red and slightly swollen, the way his flush had reached his neck. Moles dotted his chest like stars, and Woohyun wanted to map them to see what kind of constellations he could make, and if they held any greater meaning.

       “What do you want me to do to you?” Woohyun breathed, holding Sunggyu’s gaze.

       Sunggyu’s tongue darted out to lick his lips and he resisted the urge to reply ‘everything.’ “I want you to mess me up.”

       Woohyun loved it when Sunggyu was like this. In that moment, his walls had dropped, and everything about him, even the parts he didn’t want anyone else to see, belonged to Woohyun, just as Woohyun belonged to Sunggyu. He grabbed one of Sunggyu’s wrists and pressed a kiss against his pulse. “That can be arranged.”

       Sunggyu awoke first the next morning. His hair stuck to his forehead. Heat radiated from Woohyun’s body from where his arms had circled around Sunggyu, holding him close. He could faintly hear Woohyun’s heartbeat reverberating in his ear. He hesitantly moved his hand from where it rested on Woohyun’s chest to ghost his fingers across his cheek.

       “Woohyun-ah,” Sunggyu whispered. Woohyun groaned and shut his eyes tighter. “Woohyunnie, wake up.”

       Woohyun mumbled something in his sleep, and Sunggyu laughed softly. “If you wake up now, we can shower together.”

       “Five more minutes,” Woohyun mumbled, removing his arms from Sunggyu completely and turning over on his side. Sunggyu scowled, growing impatient. He shifted forward so that he could whisper into Woohyun’s ear from behind. “If you don’t get up,  _ I’ll _ make breakfast.”

       “I’m up, I’m up,” Woohyun muttered and pushed himself up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Apparently he found the prospect of eating food cooked by Sunggyu more burdensome than losing minutes of precious sleep. Sunggyu sat up next to him and winced.

       “Carry me, Hyun,” he whined, stretching his arms above his head.

       Woohyun groaned again, louder this time, and collapsed back onto the mattress. He snuck a peak at Sunggyu who was staring at him, unimpressed. “You’re  _ so _ not cute.”

       Sunggyu liked to push Woohyun, to see where his limits were, how much he could take. If he passed that limit, fine; an angry Woohyun was hot too, so Sunggyu won either way. Sensing victory, he rolled his eyes. “Fine, stay in bed. I’ll just head to the kitchen and throw your key down the drain.”

       As Sunggyu moved to stand, Woohyun lunged up, wrapping him in his arms and standing. Sunggyu yelped and laughed as Woohyun grunted in effort. He stumbled to the bathroom, unable to avoid knocking Sunggyu’s head on the doorframe (“You did that on purpose,” he hissed), before setting him down on the cold tile floor.

       “Turn around so I can get your back.” The shower ran warm down Woohyun’s chest as Sunggyu complied. He scrubbed every spot of skin he could find, gently massaging his muscles as he went. Sunggyu moaned in appreciation, causing Woohyun’s throat to go dry.

       Woohyun laughed nervously. “Your back really hurt that bad?”

       Sunggyu hummed, tilting his head to give Woohyun access to his neck.

       “You really are getting old,” he teased. It was worth the weak kick to the shin Sunggyu gave. He dropped his hands and set the soap aside to knead instead at Sunggyu’s lower back. “I want you to bring some of your things the next time you come over.”

       Sunggyu’s hum of affirmation turned into a low moan as Woohyun relaxed the knots near his spine. Soon Sunggyu’s knees grew weak with pleasure, and Woohyun had to steady him as he leaned back. Woohyun’s kiss against his neck turned into another, and then another before he spun Sunggyu around to meet his lips.

       Sunggyu felt dizzy as Woohyun pushed him against the wall. The steam and the heat made his skin feel more sensitive, every touch of Woohyun’s setting him on fire. When Woohyun grabbed his cock he was already half hard. Sunggyu loved it--he loved the way Woohyun soaked up an awareness of Sunggyu’s body like a sponge. Sunggyu was a textbook, and Woohyun a scholar, thirsting for the knowledge he found with every touch, every sigh.

       Sunggyu reached for Woohyun and found that he was nearly just as hard. He used his other hand to grab Woohyun’s neck and pull him in for a sloppy kiss as they jerked each other off. Woohyun moaned into his mouth when Sunggyu pressed his thumb against his slit. Sunggyu pulled him closer, and took both of their cocks in his hand.

       “I thought you were tired,” Sunggyu gave an airy laugh, satisfied with the expression on Woohyun’s face as his brain tried and failed to come up with a response.

       “Oh, God, Sunggyu,” Woohyun was getting close, and so was Sunggyu. Woohyun covered Sunggyu’s hand with his and stroked faster. He pressed a harsh kiss against Sunggyu’s lips, biting his lower lip hard enough to elicit a high pitched whine from Sunggyu as he came all over their stomachs. Woohyun followed closely behind, grunting as he pulled Sunggyu close to him, felt his limp body pressed against his.

       “Fuck,” Sunggyu panted. He looked wrecked; he leaned back fully against the wall, barely able to keep himself standing. “We still have to shampoo.”

       Woohyun laughed and pulled him to stand. He grabbed the shampoo bottle and began to rub some into Sunggyu’s hair. Sunggyu did the same for him, and Woohyun swore, if he hadn’t just come, he could have gotten hard again from the way his long fingers massaged his scalp.

       Woohyun wiped the suds away whenever they threatened to fall into Sunggyu’s eyes, but his task was made harder by Sunggyu tilting his head and making funny faces at him. Woohyun began to copy him, and they both burst out laughing. He grabbed the showerhead, and as he rinsed the bubbles from Sunggyu’s hair, Sunggyu spoke up, “You can take the top drawer.”

       “Hm?” Woohyun gently tilted Sunggyu’s head to the other side.

       Sunggyu closed his eyes as soap ran down his face. “When you bring your stuff over. I’ll move my things, so you can have the top drawer of the dresser.”

       “Oh yeah?” Woohyun smiled. When he was done, he handed the showerhead to Sunggyu so that he could rinse Woohyun. “Then let’s go pick some stuff up from my place later.”

       “So impatient,” Sunggyu muttered. “I’m too tired to leave the apartment right now.”

       Woohyun tilted his head so that Sunggyu could reach the other side. “Well, we still have the entire day left.”

       “Yeah,” Sunggyu smiled warmly, “but first, you promised breakfast.”

       “Did you buy everything I told you to?” Sunggyu nodded. Woohyun had given him a list earlier that week of ingredients he would need. He knew he’d be lucky if Sunggyu had the utensils he needed to cook with, let alone the ingredients, so he’d planned a menu ahead of time.

       When he was done, Sunggyu placed the showerhead back and cut the water off. They patted each other dry and got dressed, ‘dressed’ being a relative term. Sunggyu wore his underwear and the dress shirt Woohyun had worn last night. Woohyun put on a pair of Sunggyu’s looser-fitting jeans.

       Sunggyu sat on the counter as Woohyun cooked breakfast, offering his opinion as Woohyun asked him to taste various ingredients. Sunggyu had no serving dishes, so they both ate Woohyun’s fried rice from the pan. As he watched Sunggyu blow on his spoon before taking far too large a bite, Woohyun thought,  _ yes, this was home. _

       There was nothing to indicate what was to come, or perhaps there was, and Woohyun had missed all the signs in his own blissful contentment. However, a month later, the day came when Sunggyu received a letter in the mail. It was a wedding invitation. Jaejoong was getting married.

       Woohyun knocked on the door to Sunggyu’s apartment, and when he received no answer, let himself inside. There was a light on inside the kitchen. Sunggyu was leaning against the counter, holding an elegant black and white card. He was staring at its contents, but his blank face indicated that he had long since stopped reading.

       “Sunggyu?” Woohyun called. Sunggyu jumped and hastily closed the card.

       He turned to face Woohyun with a weak smile. “How was work?”

       “Good,” Woohyun replied carefully, making his way to the kitchen to slip an arm around Sunggyu’s waist. He didn’t miss the way Sunggyu subtly tried to hide the card in his hands. “What’ve you got there?”

       Woohyun grabbed the card, but Sunggyu held tight. After a moment’s struggle, Sunggyu sighed and let go. Woohyun opened the invitation and read its contents. He had met Jaejoong once or twice, and he remembered how Sunggyu had been complaining about being unable to get in contact with him recently. Woohyun guessed this would be the reason why. His eyes widened as he read the personalized message on the card. He wanted Sunggyu to be one of his groomsmen.

       “Did this come in the mail today?” Woohyun asked, hugging him tighter. Sunggyu nodded, taking the card back.

       “The ceremony isn’t even a month from now,” Sunggyu said quietly, “I knew this would happen, but a shotgun wedding? Heechul’s going to flip.”

       “Sunggyu,” Woohyun warned. He knew what was happening. Sunggyu would make jokes, say he’s ‘fine,’ and pretend like nothing was wrong even though something clearly was.

       “Really, Woohyun,” Sunggyu sighed, “it’s fine, just a bit of a shock.”

       “It’s not fine,” Woohyun’s voice rose an octave, and Sunggyu gave him a sharp look.

       Both were silent for a tense moment before Woohyun spoke. “Are you going to insist on going alone?”

       Sunggyu groaned and slipped from Woohyun’s grasp. “Woohyun, you know I can’t bring another man as my ‘plus one.’ His parents suspect enough as it is.”

       Woohyun growled. “That’s complete bullshit, and you know it. What’s the real reason you don’t want me to come?”

       “Stop it,” Sunggyu warned, but Woohyun continued.

       “So you can protect me?” he said, grabbing Sunggyu’s arm tightly. “I know that this kind of thing happens, Gyu, just let me be there for you.”

       Sunggyu’s glare met his own, and neither refused to back down. “Please,” Woohyun begged.

       Sunggyu was silent for a moment, then sighed. “I”ll call him and ask if he happens to have another invitation. I can’t promise anything.”

       Woohyun let go of Sunggyu’s arm and placed his hand on the back of Sunggyu’s head, pulling him in to kiss his forehead. Sunggyu continued, ”And you’re definitely not coming as my ‘plus one.’”

       Woohyun laughed quietly. “I know, I know. No touching, no longing glances.”

       “I’m serious, Woohyun,” Sunggyu whined, but his protests died in his throat as Woohyun pulled him in closer. He reluctantly buried his head into Woohyun’s neck.

       “I’ll be here,” Woohyun said after a moment. “I’ll be here when you come back from the rehearsal. I won’t let you go through this alone.”

       Sunggyu nuzzled closer, and Woohyun could feel his lips graze over his skin as he whispered a nearly inaudible “Thank you.”

       They stood there in the dimly lit kitchen. It was silent, save for the traffic that could be heard outside the window and their two beating hearts, every so slightly out of sync. Woohyun ached when he heard Sunggyu sniffle.

       “I’m happy for him, you know,” Sunggyu’s voice cracked. Woohyun hugged Sunggyu tighter, as if he could hold the pieces of him together by sheer will. For Sunggyu, Woohyun was an anchor, a lifeline against the tides of reality that at any moment threatened to pull him out to sea.

       Sunggyu didn’t cry. He wouldn’t let himself. Woohyun was slowly becoming more and more afraid of what would happen when he did. He didn’t know what to do or how to help, so he did what he could--he would be there for Sunggyu, whether Sunggyu wanted him to be or not.

       Sunggyu seemed okay as the wedding approached, but it only made Woohyun more nervous. They managed to secure another invitation, but, as Woohyun had thought, the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner were only for those participating in the ceremony.

       The day of the rehearsal, Heechul came by in a cab to pick Sunggyu up. Even though Woohyun had promised to be there for him when the rehearsal dinner ended, apparently the groomsmen were being asked to stay in the hotel reserved for the event for an extra night, so they could help prepare for the wedding the next day. He made Sunggyu promise to call him when it was over, and kissed him goodbye.

       The cab ride with Heechul to the hotel was mostly quiet until Sunggyu asked, “Does everyone else know?”

       Heechul raised his brows. “You mean Yunho?”

       Sunggyu’s silence acted as confirmation before Heechul continued, “Yeah, he knows. He said he hopes the bride is pretty.”

       “Right,” Sunggyu sighed. What use was caring at this point? All the pain in the world wouldn’t stop what would happen in the following days.

       “It happened after he visited his parents back in February. You know how Jaejoong gets,” Heechul said quietly, so that the cab driver wouldn’t overhear. “He got drunk and slept with her to prove he’s a man. Now everyone gets what they want.”

       “Everyone except Jaejoong. And her.” Sunggyu leaned his head against the window. A shotgun wedding to a person who could never love them like they deserved wasn’t what either person had dreamed of, Sunggyu was sure. He scoffed. Since when did anyone get everything they ever wanted?

       They arrived at the hotel and took their bags and freshly laundered tuxedos to their separate rooms. Woohyun would be in a separate room too, Sunggyu thought. He had promised to be there, but they wouldn’t even be sleeping on the same floor. He was still unsure about letting Woohyun attend the wedding, but he couldn’t change things now.

       Part of him  _ had _ wanted to shield Woohyun from the truth. Woohyun was pure. Woohyun believed that anything was possible. He believed that there were people out there meant for each other, people who could get through anything. He believed that love was enough to heal the world.

       The other part of Sunggyu wanted to tear that innocence of Woohyun’s apart, to shred it piece by piece with its razor-sharp claws that had been honed ever since he was sixteen and still naive. He wanted the blood of it to drip to the floor and seep through their clothes, so that Woohyun could  _ see _ , really see, what being with him would mean.

       Sunggyu shook his head. He didn’t want to  _ hurt _ Woohyun, he told himself. He just wanted Woohyun to  _ hurt _ , to hurt the way Sunggyu had when he realized how bleak his future truly was. It was selfish, and it was spiteful, but Sunggyu had never believed he wasn’t all of those things and more. He was a monster, but if he could use his claws to give Woohyun a warning, to turn him around from the path he was on and save them both a lot of hurt, then he would do it. He would be that monster in order to save them both.

       The rehearsal went off without a hitch. The bride truly was beautiful, and her rehearsal dress barely showed her slightly swollen stomach. She and Jaejoong made a picturesque couple. Whatever pain Jaejoong felt was buried deep, and the only thing that showed from the outside was a fiancé excited to become a husband. Sunggyu was glad. Maybe Jaejoong couldn’t love her like she deserved, but perhaps he could make her happy in his own way.

       At the dinner, he and Heechul were seated with the rest of the groomsmen, mostly male relatives of the bride. It was awkward, and Sunggyu shivered as he felt the eyes of one of the bridesmaids linger on him. Neither of them had really gotten a chance to talk with Jaejoong since arriving, not alone. It was frustrating, but they agreed they just had to be patient.

       Their chance came late that evening. Rather than go out, Jaejoong insisted on spending the evening with his groomsmen in the hotel bar. He was drinking heavily, and every man except for Sunggyu and Heechul were keeping pace with him. At the end of the night, the two offered to help Jaejoong back to his room, and bid the rest of their party goodnight.

       Sunggyu grunted as they made it to the elevator. Jaejoong’s arm was slung heavy around his shoulder. He turned his head sharply when he heard sniffles. He groaned, “Fuck, Heechul, he’s crying.”

       Jaejoong began to sob, but his words were too slurred to be intelligible. Sunggyu could guess, though, and they weren’t anything that should be shouted in a hotel hallway at 2am. They tried to shush him as they dragged him to his room and threw him on the bed. His sobs died down as they worked on removing his shoes.

       “I’m going to be a dad,” Jaejoong hiccuped, slinging an arm over his face, “I’m so happy.”

       Though Sunggyu had never experienced them, he had lived long enough to tell happy tears from sad tears. He wished he could have made himself believe that Jaejoong was crying from joy. Sunggyu smiled sadly. “Invite me to the baby shower, hyung.”

       Jaejoong sobbed harder. “I miss him… I miss him so much.”

       Sunggyu’s heart ached to look at him, his friend, drunk and sobbing on a hotel bed with his clothes disheveled and tears and snot running down his face. He looked at Heechul and could tell he was thinking the same thing.

       “Maybe he’ll still come,” Heechul offered.

       “He won’t,” Jaejoong furiously wiped at his face, “He hates me.”

       “He doesn’t hate you,” Heechul said sadly, “He’s just hurt, and won’t admit it.”

       “I know,” he sobbed, “I know, I know, I know.”

       Sunggyu’s throat went dry. He couldn’t think of anything to say, so he grabbed his friend’s hand and held it tight. Heechul grabbed Jaejoong’s other hand, and they sat with him until he had calmed down. When they heard a light snore, Sunggyu and Heechul got up and shut the door quietly behind them.

       Both were quiet for a moment before Heechul spoke, his voice barely a whisper. “See you tomorrow, Sunggyu.”

       “Yeah,” Sunggyu replied, patting his friend on the shoulder, “Goodnight.”

       Sunggyu returned to his room and collapsed on the mattress. He pulled his phone from his pocket and stared at the screen. There were no missed calls, but Woohyun had sent him a message when he got home.

       “You can still end this, Kim Sunggyu,” he muttered, “before both of you get hurt.”

       His finger hovered over the screen for a moment before dialing his number.

       “Hello?” Sunggyu’s breath caught as he heard Woohyun’s groggy voice over the line. “Sunggyu, are you there?”

       “Yes,” he breathed, suddenly wishing he was there in bed with him more than anything, “I’m here. I promised I’d call, didn’t I?”

       Woohyun gave a brief chuckle. “It’s three in the morning. I wouldn’t have been mad if you didn’t.”

       “I know,” Sunggyu’s voice broke, “I know.”

       He heard Woohyun sit up in bed. “Sunggyu, what’s wrong?”

       “Nothing,” Sunggyu pleaded. He didn’t want to talk about it when he couldn’t see Woohyun, couldn’t hold him. “Just tell me about your day.”

       For once, Sunggyu silently thanked Woohyun for the way he seemed to always see right through him. He knew exactly what Sunggyu needed without him saying a word, and usually it scared him, but tonight it was a comfort. Woohyun began to tell him about how Howon had nearly fought with an unreasonable customer, and how they had gotten the police called on them. Sunggyu was laughing by the end, and he could hear Woohyun’s quiet sigh of relief.

       “Better now?”

       Sunggyu smiled. “Much better. Thank you, Hyun.”

       Woohyun was quiet for a moment, and it made Sunggyu nervous. “Just hold on, okay? I’ll be there tomorrow. Look for me in the crowd.”

       Sunggyu nodded, not realizing Woohyun wouldn’t be able to see, and whispered, “Okay.”

       They said goodnight, and Sunggyu regretted hanging up as soon as the line went dead. He wanted to keep talking, even for a moment longer, because it helped keep the thoughts plaguing him at bay. He sighed and set his alarm. He might as well try and get a little bit of sleep before the ceremony tomorrow.

       The next morning came, and Jaejoong was back to the way he appeared the day before: happy, nervous, and excited. Sunggyu fiddled with his cuffs as Jaejoong adjusted his bowtie.

       “I’m so lucky,” Jaejoong smiled, checking out his appearance. “She’s a really nice girl, you know?”

       Sunggyu forced a smile. “Yeah. She seems lovely.”

       Someone called that it was time. They left to take their place by the pulpit. Heechul stood just in front of Sunggyu, his eyes steady on Jaejoong. Sunggyu glanced at the crowd and caught Woohyun’s eye. He was seated near the back. When he noticed Sunggyu’s gaze, he nodded and waved.

       As the last guests took their seats, the orchestra began playing. The doors in the back of the church opened, and the bride made her way down the aisle. She was radiant, and Sunggyu knew that at least part of Jaejoong’s smile must have been genuine. He needed to believe it. The ceremony went by fast, and Sunggyu appreciated the way Woohyun’s eyes never left him. He headed to the reception with the rest of the groomsmen, and Sunggyu began counting the minutes until he could be free of his obligations and go to Woohyun.

       He and Heechul were seated with two of the bridesmaids as dinner was served, and he soon realized one of them was the girl who had been eyeing him yesterday. Sunggyu sighed, and flagged a waiter down for another drink.

       “Sunggyu-ssi, what is it you do again?” she asked, leaning forward. Sunggyu darted his eyes around the ballroom and spotted Woohyun sitting with a group of distant relatives to the bride.

       He cleared his throat. “I’m a composer. I do commercials, drama OSTs, that sort of thing.”

       “That’s amazing,” she gasped, “Have I heard your work before?”

       “Probably not,” he shifted as he felt Woohyun’s gaze on him, “It’s just B-List stuff with no-name actors.”

       “Hey,” Heechul laughed, elbowing his side, “don’t be ungrateful.”

       Sunggyu sighed in relief as Heechul distracted them with the long story about how he, the benevolent friend that he was, had handed a CD with Sunggyu’s compositions to a director when he came in for a hair appointment at his salon. The rest, as they say, is history. Heechul had earned Sunggyu’s undying gratitude, and Sunggyu had earned a way to put food on the table with his music.

       Sunggyu met Woohyun’s gaze from across the room again, only to have Woohyun look away first this time. The waiters were beginning to clear the tables, and couples began streaming towards the dancefloor. It was time for the bride and groom’s first dance.

       It was sweet, Sunggyu decided, the way her head rested against Jaejoong’s chest. It must be nice, he thought, to hold someone so much smaller and softer than yourself. He liked to feel protected in Woohyun’s embrace, but Sunggyu’s body was so unmistakably male. His shoulders were wide, his legs were thick and hairy, and he had to shave every morning. His hand went to rub his wrist as he watched the couple spin slow circles wrapped in each other’s embrace.

       He barely noticed when he felt a soft tapping on his shoulder. The song had ended, and other couples were streaming onto the dancefloor.

       “Excuse me, Sunggyu-ssi?” The girl from before peered at him tentatively. “Would you like to dance?”

       Sunggyu sat stunned for a moment, and the girl blushed. “Sorry, you probably want to dance with someone else.”

       “I’m sorry,” he replied hastily, “I’m not feeling so well right now. I just need some fresh air, um, uhh...”  _ Fuck _ . He had forgotten her name.

       “I’d be happy to dance with you, Mina-ssi,” Heechul smiled, and stood and took her hand. Sunggyu mouthed a ‘thank you’ at him before escaping to the bar. He sent Woohyun a glance, but he was already making his way towards where Sunggyu was. Sunggyu ordered them both drinks and leaned heavily against the counter.

       “Are you okay?” Woohyun asked, his voice so tender Sunggyu could cry.

       “I’m fine,” he lied, handing Woohyun his drink, “I just want to congratulate Jaejoong and go.”

       Woohyun hummed his agreement, and they both began to scan the crowd for the groom. Sunggyu spotted him, standing with his wife and their families, and motioned for Woohyun to follow him.

       “Sunggyu and Woohyun,” Jaejoong took each of their hands and shook, “so glad you both could make it.”

       “It was a beautiful ceremony,” Sunggyu replied, searching for any indication that he remembered last night, but Jaejoong’s face remained even.

       They congratulated him and the bride, then took their leave. As they entered the lobby, they saw security manhandling someone who had apparently been too liberal with the open bar. Sunggyu frowned when he recognized who it was.

       “Yunho?” The man’s head turned to where Sunggyu was carefully approaching.

       “Do you know this man, sir?” The security guard asked, finally subduing him.

       “Let me in!” Yunho sobbed, “Please! I need to see him.”

       Sunggyu cursed and grabbed his phone to call Heechul. He’d know how to handle him. He was beat to it though, as he heard Heechul call Yunho’s name from the ballroom doors. Heechul broke into a run and pushed the guard off of him, but held Yunho back as he tried to escape to the ballroom.

       “It’s too late,” Heechul grunted, unsure if Yunho heard him over his cries of ‘please’ and ‘let me see him,’ “And you’re too drunk.”

       The three of them managed to drag him outside and call a cab. His sobs and shouts subsided into pathetic whimpers.

       “Tell him I’m sorry,” he hiccuped. Heechul held him against his chest as Sunggyu rubbed his shoulder. Woohyun stood awkwardly, helplessly taking in the whole scene.

       “He knows,” Heechul said softly, stroking his hair as his sobs gained new strength.

       “Should we tell Jaejoong?” Sunggyu asked, but Heechul shook his head. At last the cab arrived, and Yunho agreed to go home, finally too exhausted to fight back. The three men stood in silence for a moment, listening to the muffled sounds of the party inside.

       “I’m heading back in,” Heechul decided, straightening his bowtie. He bid Woohyun and Sunggyu goodnight before taking his leave. Woohyun stared at Sunggyu, and Sunggyu stared at the ground.

       “I’m tired,” Sunggyu mumbled, rubbing his face with his hands. Woohyun nodded and followed him to the elevator. Sunggyu punched in the number for his floor and frowned when Woohyun didn’t punch in his. He sighed when he realized what Woohyun was doing as he followed him to his room.

       “You can’t come in,” he groaned, “People could see you leaving.”

       “I know that, Sunggyu,” Woohyun smiled sadly, “I just wanted to walk you back.”

       Sunggyu looked at him quietly, not ready to go in yet. “Thanks for coming.”

       Woohyun nodded. He continued, and Sunggyu wished he hadn’t, “I wanted to go over to you so bad. I wanted it to be us on that dancefloor.”

       “Woohyun, don’t,” Sunggyu’s voice broke, “Please don’t say that.”

       “Sorry,” he whispered. He patted Sunggyu’s arm, desperate for whatever contact was allowed. “Goodnight.”

       Sunggyu whispered goodnight and slipped into his room. As the door slammed behind him, he cursed himself for the one, two tears that escaped and rolled down his cheeks.

       Woohyun drove them both home early the next morning. The car ride was silent, neither of them feeling ready to speak. Sunggyu sighed in relief when they were back in his apartment. He felt safe there. The world couldn’t break him down as easily, and he felt more in control. Woohyun shut the door behind them and leaned against it.

       “I’m sorry,” Woohyun said quietly, pulling Sunggyu from his reverie.

       “What for?” Sunggyu replied, tilting his head.

       “That you had to see that,” Woohyun spoke slowly, “that you had to go to that wedding.”

       Sunggyu laughed. “That’s not the first gay man’s wedding I’ve been to, Hyun, and it certainly won’t be the last.”

       Woohyun frowned. “How can you laugh? It’s horrible. It’s not fair.”

       “What am I supposed to do? Cry?” Sunggyu scoffed, “I stopped doing that a long time ago.”

       “Stop it,” Woohyun said coldly. Sunggyu looked at him in shock. “You’re doing it again, that thing where you act like nothing hurts you anymore. Just stop it.”

       Sunggyu felt his blood begin to boil. His rage itched at his skin like it was trying to escape through every pore in his body. He narrowed his eyes. “You’re the one who ought to stop before we both say things we’ll regret.”

       “You need to stop lying to yourself and tell me what’s wrong,” Woohyun stared at him evenly, taking a step forward, “And I don’t regret telling you that.”

       “You want to know what’s wrong with me?” he asked, voice dangerously low. Woohyun nodded. “You’re what’s wrong with me.”

       Woohyun scoffed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

       “It means,” Sunggyu took a step closer, speaking slowly, “Have you even thought about coming out to your parents?”

       Woohyun’s eyebrows furrowed. “What does that have to do with anything?”

       “Just answer the question.”

       “Fine!” he hissed, “I haven’t!”

       “Have you thought about what you’re going to tell them, years from now, when they start pressuring you to get married?” Sunggyu’s voice began to rise. “Are you going to explain to them that you’re living with a man?”

       “That has nothing to do with this,” Woohyun warned, but Sunggyu continued.

       “It has everything to do with this,” Sunggyu’s voice was ice, chilling Woohyun to his core. He wondered for how long Sunggyu had been carrying this. Maybe he always had been. “Or am I going to be your secret for the rest of our lives? I’m not going to keep fucking you after you get married.”

       “Who said I’m getting  _ married? _ ” Woohyun seethed, pulling his hair in frustration.

       “You’re not going to tell your parents, right?” Sunggyu stepped closer, until they were an arm’s length apart. “What happens when they start to suspect?”

       “That’s not even--”

       Sunggyu continued, “Have you even said it out loud?”

       “What are you talking about?” Woohyun groaned.

       “Can you even say it? What you are?” Sunggyu shoved him. “Say it. ‘I’m gay.’”

       When Woohyun didn’t answer he scoffed. “Of course you can’t. You don’t take this seriously, you never have.”

       If Woohyun was ice before, now he was blindingly hot rage. He lunged forward to grab Sunggyu’s arms, pushing him until his back slammed into the wall on the other side of the room. “I don’t take this seriously? Me?”

       “Let go of me,” Sunggyu warned, daring him to squeeze harder.

       Woohyun held his gaze for a moment before letting him go. He knelt down and gave a weak and bitter laugh. “I don’t have time for this. I’m going to be late for work.”

       “Then go,” Sunggyu growled, rubbing his bicep.

       “Fine,” Woohyun hissed, standing up and brushing past him to get changed. Sunggyu watched his movements with his arms crossed, silent.

       When Woohyun reached the door he turned around. “Don’t wait up for me tonight.”

       “Wasn’t planning on it,” Sunggyu snapped.

       “You know,” Woohyun’s hand paused on the door knob, “You’re right. I hadn’t thought about coming out to my parents. I haven’t even said it out loud to myself.”

       Sunggyu pursed his lips, waiting for him to continue.

       “But that doesn’t mean I don’t take this seriously, that I don’t take you seriously,” he continued, “Please…  _ please _ don’t act as if you know how I feel.”

       Woohyun didn’t wait for a response before slamming the door behind him. Sunggyu slumped against the wall, finally allowing himself to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! i hate to leave things here but it might be a week or more before the next chapter goes up bc i'm going on vacation! also i forgot to say this last chap, but a million endless thank yous to my editor and best friend. she doesn't even read kpop fic but she's edited this whole thing and held my hand through every word. that's dedication! the shower scene only exists because she asked for one <3


	3. Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said it'd be a week or so before the next chapter but I've been feeling really inspired and it's Infinite's 6th anniversary, so I wanted to celebrate!

       A week had passed, and Woohyun still hadn’t called. Sunggyu didn’t expect him to. He was happy, really, that Woohyun had finally taken his chance to leave. Their worlds were never meant to become this entangled. Sunggyu was happy, and he was indescribably sad.

       Woohyun hadn’t come to collect his stuff yet, but he would eventually. Or maybe he wouldn’t, because replacing a few shirts would be less painful than seeing a bastard like Sunggyu again. Sunggyu hoped that was the case, as he was wearing one of his shirts now, and Woohyun would be annoyed to see the collar all stretched out and the sleeve stained with tears.

       He was drunk. He tried to count the drinks in his head, but gave up and settled on ‘too many.’ He stared at the missed calls from his friends as his other hand played absentmindedly at the keys of his piano. His finger trembled as it hovered over Woohyun’s number. He knew he couldn’t, but he liked closing his eyes and pretending like he could hear Woohyun’s voice again.

       Sunggyu suddenly grew angry with himself and threw the device across the room. It hit the wall and dropped to the floor, screen cracked. Panic set in as he realized what he had done, and he scrambled over to where it had fallen.

       “Fuck. Fuck, please work,” he mumbled, on his knees, and sighed in relief when it did. When he heard a knock at the door he jumped, then stumbled to the entryway and swung the door open

       “Heechul-hyung, I told you I’m fine, so--”

       When Sunggyu recognized that it was Woohyun standing in his doorway, his words suddenly grew too big and stuck in his throat. Woohyun coughed. “Can I come in?”

       Sunggyu nodded, still unable to speak. Woohyun brushed past him to stand uncomfortably in his living room. It was disconcerting to Sunggyu, to see Woohyun standing in his apartment again. The last time he was there they had left each other hurt and bleeding and weak. He was too calm, and it made Sunggyu nervous. He didn’t know why. This was what he had wanted, after all.

       “I’m sorry,” Woohyun said quietly, finally breaking the silence. Sunggyu would have cried if he hadn’t used up all his tears waiting for him to come back. He couldn’t say anything. He wouldn’t. This was all wrong; Woohyun wasn’t supposed to come back. He wasn’t supposed to be there.

       “Jaejoong is _your_ friend. I shouldn’t have pushed you to talk about it if you didn’t want to,” he continued, eyes steady on Sunggyu, “I’m sorry.”

       It was quiet for another moment until Sunggyu spoke in a voice so small it was nearly a whisper, “Don’t.”

       Woohyun’s frown deepened. Sunggyu’s voice was still wrecked from crying as he said, “Please don’t say you’re sorry.”

       “I am though, Gyu, I--” Woohyun took a step forward, “I was just trying to be there for you.”

       He took another step forward, then another. Sunggyu drew in a shuddering breath when Woohyun's arms wrapped around him. Woohyun continued, softly, “I want you to tell me when you’re hurting.”

       Sunggyu wrapped his arms tightly around Woohyun and squeezed. His voice was muffled from where it was buried in Woohyun’s shoulder. “Stop it. You don’t have to be sorry.”

       Woohyun held Sunggyu tight, one hand rubbing circles on his lower back, the other pressed gently to the back of his head. Sunggyu hated himself for the feeling taking form in his chest. It was soft and warm and light, all of the things that Sunggyu was not. It was relief, and even though he knew that this could only be temporary, he still felt it all the same.

       “I’m sorry,” Sunggyu’s voice broke, “I’m really, really sorry.”

       Woohyun finally relaxed. He pulled Sunggyu in for a sloppy kiss, as if by transference he could let Sunggyu know all the words he was still unable to say.

       “Please don’t go home tonight,” Sunggyu whispered after they finally pulled apart.

       Woohyun laughed and gave him another quick peck. “Wasn’t planning on it.”

       Sometime that night, between Woohyun’s whispered ‘ _I love you_ ’s and falling asleep Sunggyu decided: he would spend that summer loving Woohyun. Things like worry and guilt and sadness were for the autumn, and Sunggyu wasn’t ready to face them anyway. The things they had fought about wouldn’t disappear; they would grow and grow until they wrapped their thorny vines around the both of them, cutting deep into their skin. But, for now, it was enough for them to have each other, and for them to be together. Sunggyu placed a soft kiss against Woohyun’s temple and closed his eyes to sleep.

       Woohyun loved Sunggyu’s apartment, but he loved watching it transform even more. At first it was Woohyun’s clothes in the hamper, waiting to be washed, and his toiletries on the sink in the bathroom. By July it became food stocked in the pantry, fresh produce in the refrigerator, and Woohyun, lazily reading a book on a Monday evening in an armchair they had picked out together, waiting for Sunggyu to get home from work.

       Woohyun looked up as he heard the door unlock, marking his place. He jumped up and wrapped his arms around Sunggyu before he could even make it through the entryway.

       Sunggyu laughed and pushed him away, “Let me get inside first, you animal.”

       Woohyun helped him with his tie and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “Welcome home.”

       “You spend more time here than you do at your own apartment, you know,” Sunggyu replied, amused. He undid the top button of his shirt and rolled the cuffs up. They were in the middle of a heat wave, and even the AC was having a hard time keeping up.

       “I wanted to talk to you about that, actually,” Woohyun said, moving into the kitchen to start dinner.

       “Oh yeah?” Sunggyu leaned against the counter, handing utensils to Woohyun as needed. He loved watching Woohyun cook, the way his hands moved like a surgeon’s, swiftly and decisively.

       “My lease is almost up,” Woohyun said with his back to Sunggyu, half afraid and half desperate to see his reaction, “I was wondering if I should renew it.”

       “Well,” Sunggyu began after a moment of thought, “rent _is_ getting expensive.”

       Woohyun hummed in agreement. “And half my stuff’s already here.”

       “And it’s closer to the restaurant anyways,” Sunggyu continued slowly, wishing Woohyun would turn and face him. His heart was pounding against his chest with the weight of what he was saying.

       When all that was left to do was let the pot boil, Woohyun finally turned around. “So is that a yes?”

       “You never asked me a question,” Sunggyu replied, breathless. Woohyun stepped forward and took his hand.

       “Can I move in with you?” he asked, squeezing his hand. Sunggyu squeezed back and nodded wordlessly.

       “Yes,” he breathed, pushing forward to capture Woohyun’s lips, “Any time.”

       This was fine, Sunggyu told himself, slowly losing track of the pieces of himself as they became intertwined with Woohyun. As long as he had enough of himself to carry home when it was all over, he would be able to stitch up the holes that Woohyun would leave.

       Unable to wait until his lease was up, Sunggyu watched him begin move into his space, bringing laughter and noise and light, and allowed himself to feel glad in the moment. Woohyun sold his furniture, but he was happy to have his own utensils in Sunggyu’s kitchen. It was a relief that he would no longer need to argue the necessity of a stainless steel sauce pan.

       It was approaching the end of July when Woohyun walked in the door of their bedroom to find Sunggyu sitting on the bed, staring at a photograph he had never seen before. He sat down carefully next to Sunggyu and looked at the picture. It appeared to have been taken at a birthday party. A woman who looked remarkably like Sunggyu was holding a smiling toddler. A man he assumed to be her husband had his arm wrapped around her shoulders.

       “Who’s that?” He asked hesitantly. Sunggyu gave Woohyun a sideways glance, pursing his lips and hesitating.

       “My sister,” he replied, pointing to the woman. His finger moved to point at the child in her arms. “And that’s my nephew.”

       Woohyun noticed how gingerly he held the picture, as if it would disintegrate at any moment. He gently took it from Sunggyu’s hand. “And that’s her husband?”

       “Yeah,” Sunggyu’s voice had gone quiet, dangerously so. He flopped down on the mattress and muttered, “That’s Dohyun.”

       Woohyun frowned. The name sounded familiar, and it suddenly hit him. “You don’t mean--”

       “Yeah, that Dohyun,” Sunggyu looked away and sighed, “the one who kissed me.”

       “Jesus, Gyu--”

       “I’ve gotten over it,” Sunggyu interjected. Woohyun pursed his lips, unsure. “Really, I have. It’s been over ten years.”

       “I don’t understand,” Woohyun replied, brows furrowing, “Where did this even come from?”

       Sunggyu pointed at the folded piece of paper sitting on the dresser. Woohyun stood up and grabbed it, and returned to the bed. As he read the contents of the letter, he saw that the picture was from his nephew’s second birthday, which had happened last week. His sister forgave him for not showing, but begged him to come home for their mother’s birthday in August.

       “Are you going to go?” Woohyun asked, folding the letter closed. Sunggyu threw an arm over his eyes and groaned.

       “No, and you can’t make me.”

       “Gyu,” Woohyun warned, “You should at least see what she wants.”

       “There’s a _reason_ I haven’t talked to them in so long,” Sunggyu whined, “My mom made it perfectly clear that she never wanted to see my face again the last time I saw her.”

       Woohyun hummed, and rubbed a hand along Sunggyu’s thigh. “Maybe she’s changed her mind.”

       “Or maybe,” Sunggyu moved his arm to glare at Woohyun, “she wants to set me up with the neighbor’s daughter again.”

       Woohyun sighed. He realized he couldn’t help Sunggyu when he was like this, but he _could_ help Sunggyu help himself. “You should at least meet with your sister.”

       “Why?” Sunggyu turned over to his side, closing his eyes. “So she can beg me to come back in person?”

       “So you can meet your nephew,” Woohyun replied, “Whatever she thinks of you, she loves you enough to try and contact you.”

       Sunggyu frowned. Woohyun lay down next to him and continued, “If she didn’t want you to meet him, she wouldn’t have sent you that photograph.”

       Sunggyu glared at Woohyun. “I hate it when you’re right.”

       Woohyun smiled, but it only made Sunggyu groan again. “There! It’s that look that I hate.”

       Woohyun’s smile grew wider. His hands inched dangerously close to Sunggyu’s waist. “Which look?” he hummed. “This one?”

       He pushed pinned Sunggyu’s shoulders to the bed and climbed on top of him. He laughed at Sunggyu's startled pout and wide eyes.

       “Nam Woohyun,” he warned, “if you’re about to do what I think you’re going to do, you better not.”

       Woohyun tilted his head innocently. “Do what, hyung?”

       He sat back to straddle Sunggyu’s hips and brushed his fingertips down his sides. Sunggyu began to squirm. “I’m serious, Woohyun, don’t.”

       Woohyun smiled and went in for the kill. Sunggyu shouted as Woohyun tickled his sides, unable to retreat. After a moment’s struggle, he found the strength to push him off, but it caused Woohyun to lose his balance completely and fall off the bed. Sunggyu winced at the loud thud.

       “Shit, sorry,” Sunggyu scrambled off the bed to Woohyun’s side. “Are you okay?”

       Woohyun held a hand to his head, but he wasn’t seriously injured, thank god. Sunggyu didn’t know where to place his hands, and he kept asking Woohyun if he was okay. Woohyun felt bad, but it’d be a shame if he didn’t take advantage of the situation.

       “Ugh,” he clutched his head tightly, “Fuck, my head hurts.”

       “Oh, God,” Sunggyu was frantic. Woohyun decided it was kind of cute. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

       “No, I think I’ll be fine,” he replied, “But maybe you could kiss it better?”

       Sunggyu pursed his lips. “Fine,” he mumbled, pressing a soft kiss to Woohyun’s forehead.

       “Here too,” Woohyun said, pointing towards his lips.

       Sunggyu narrowed his eyes. “You want to go to the hospital for real?”

       He tried to hold his glare, but couldn’t help but crack a smile at Woohyun’s shameless grin. They sat on the floor of their bedroom in comfortable silence.

       “I’ll call my sister,” Sunggyu said after a moment.

       Woohyun’s chest grew warm. The Sunggyu from a month ago wouldn’t have offered this small concession. The Sunggyu from a month ago wouldn’t have shown him the letter in the first place. Woohyun went to stand, and pulled Sunggyu up with him.

       “Are you hungry?” he asked, stretching his arms.

       “Stop it, I’m going to get fat,” Sunggyu groaned, holding his stomach in mock pain. Woohyun smiled.

       “You should go to the gym with me in the mornings then.” He ignored Sunggyu’s glare. “Come on, I’ll make something light.”

       Sunggyu rolled his eyes, but allowed himself to be pulled by Woohyun into the kitchen. He didn’t know why he said he’d call his sister. Her number might not even be the same. But something about the idea that it would please Woohyun, that it would make him feel something good, appealed to Sunggyu in a way he was afraid to describe. It was as if another piece of himself had gotten lost inside the tangled mess they had become.

       Sunggyu didn’t know if he felt disappointed or relieved when he called his sister a few days later and she actually picked up.

       “Sunggyu?” She sounded out of breath, or like she had seen a ghost. “Is that you?”

       Sunggyu took a moment to gather his courage. “Yeah, noona, it’s me.”

       He could hear her breathless laugh over the line. “Did you get my letter?”

       “Yeah,” Sunggyu licked his lips nervously, “I was wondering-- I thought maybe we could get lunch together sometime.”

       He resisted the urge to throw his phone as he listened to the silence, waiting for her answer. He didn’t even _care_ if it were a yes or a no, just say _something_ \--

       “I’d love to,” she said, “I really want to see you.”

       Sunggyu exhaled, and it felt like something he hadn’t known he’d been carrying had left his body, like a ghost of some Sunggyu that only existed in his memories had escaped from his lips like a sigh. “Okay. Yeah. Um, you’re still in Jeonju, right? Should we meet halfway?”

       “No,” she replied quickly, “no, I’ll come to you. I haven’t been to Seoul in forever.”

       Sunggyu hadn’t known she’d been to Seoul at all. “That sounds good. Does this Saturday work?”

       Sunggyu told her he’d text her the details and the address of the restaurant. He was about to bid her goodbye when she said softly, “I’m really glad you called, Gyu.”

       Sunggyu gripped his phone tighter. “See you soon, noona.”

       For a long time after the call had ended, Sunggyu sat on his couch and clutched his phone, unsure of what to do. No, that wasn’t true. The first thing he had wanted to do was call Woohyun and tell him what had happened. Since when had that started? Sunggyu wasn’t used to _wanting_ to share things about himself, but it left him feeling more excited than nervous.

       He unconsciously jumped to his feet when Woohyun came through the door. He rushed to help him carry one of the grocery bags balanced precariously in his arms.

       “Thanks,” Woohyun sighed, setting the brown paper bag down on the counter. He rubbed his shoulder. Their next place should be on the first floor, he decided. “How was your day?”

       Sunggyu hummed. “Good,” he replied carefully, “I called my sister.”

       Woohyun’s brows shot up. “Oh really? How did that go?”

       “We’re meeting for lunch,” Sunggyu said quietly, not ready to meet Woohyun’s gaze. “She sounded… excited to see me.”

       “That’s great, Sunggyu.” Woohyun pulled him into a hug. Sunggyu let his head rest on Woohyun’s shoulder. “Do you want me to be there?”

       Sunggyu smiled. “You can’t. You have work, remember?”

       “I’ll figure something out,” he muttered.

       “It’s fine, Woohyun,” Sunggyu gripped his bicep reassuringly, “really.”

       Woohyun pulled back and pursed his lips. He gave Sunggyu a once-over, but he really did seem fine. At some point, Woohyun had to admit that it was his own senseless arrogance that sought to protect Sunggyu from a world he hadn’t needed protection from in a long time. He was glad Sunggyu was alright, but it still felt sometimes like he could disappear at any moment.

       Woohyun was afraid that this new, “fine” Sunggyu would wake up one day and realize he didn’t need him, and all he’d be left with was a ghost of what they could have been. It would haunt him, and when he’d walk into the kitchen he’d see Sunggyu sitting on the counter, asking him what’s for dinner, or Sunggyu asleep on the couch, his long-abandoned book resting on his chest. He wanted to do something _more_ , something that may ease this anxiety, but for the first time in his life, he couldn’t tell what the “next step” was. They lived together, but what came next? It scared him to think of how long Sunggyu had been thinking of these kinds of things. After lovers, what comes next?

       Sunggyu began to count down the days until Saturday. He tried to prepare himself for disappointment, for rejection, but a part of him, one that had appeared only recently, couldn’t reject the possibility of something finally going right in his life. It told him that the course he had set when he had swore to leave that house in Jeonju for good two years ago could be changed, could be altered. And no matter how he tried to smother it, that small ray of light, he felt it warming his chest as he sat at the cafe they had agreed upon, waiting for his sister to arrive.

       When Sunggyu saw her enter, he gave a hesitant wave. Her smile was so strange and familiar all at once. His yelp of surprise was muffled in her shirt as she pulled him into a hug.

       “I’ve missed you, Gyu,” she said, taking her seat.

       Sunggyu felt something inside him that he thought had died years ago begin to stir. “I’ve missed you too.”

       “You’re an uncle now,” she began to pull a stack of photographs out of her purse, “I brought these in case you wanted more.”

       Sunggyu’s throat went dry. He took the pictures gently from her hand, flipping through them, trying to burn the images into his retina.

       “Thank you,” he breathed.

       Sunggyu set the photographs down, away from where they would eat so that they wouldn’t get damaged. When he returned his hands to the table, his sister grabbed them.

       “I’m sorry,” she said, “for everything.”

       “Noona…” Sunggyu’s throat constricted, making it hard to breath. He felt his eyes burn.

       “You don’t have to say anything,” she continued, “I just wanted to say it.”

       Sunggyu nodded. She let go of his hands as the waiter came to take their order. When he left, she gave a weak smile.

       “Mom wants you to come home,” she said, watching him carefully.

       Sunggyu removed his hands from the table and folded them in his lap. He looked down. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

       “And if I said I wanted you to come home too?”

       Sunggyu’s hands curled into fists. “I can’t go back. Not after last time.”

       Not when the shouts of _please think about what you’re saying_ and _what would your father think?_ still rang in his head. Sunggyu would repeat every hurtful comment he’d ever received over and over again in his head until they no longer stung, but time had barely begun to soften the blow of his mother’s hoarse sobs as she told him to leave.

       “She’s changed,” Sunggyu’s sister urged, “please just hear her out.”

       “You didn’t even defend me,” he breathed, “You just let her say those things.”

       “What was I supposed to say? I was in shock too,” she pleaded, silently urging him to look at her.

       They sat in silence until the food arrived. Neither could find the words to say what they needed. Sunggyu was picking at the food on his plate disinterestedly when he decided to break the silence.

       “Why hasn’t she asked me herself?”

       His sister looked at him sadly. “She’s ashamed, Sunggyu.”

       “How convenient for her,” he muttered, stabbing a piece of chicken with his fork. “Why should I even come back?”

       “Because she’s your mom,” she replied simply, “and I’m your sister.”

       Sunggyu flinched. She continued, “And we’re all you’ve got.”

       “You’re not,” he mumbled.

       Her eyes widened. “What?”

       “You’re not all I’ve got,” he said slowly, “I’m seeing someone.”

       “That’s great, Gyu,” his sister replied, reaching out to grab his hand, “I’m happy for you.”

       Sunggyu slowly met her gaze. She smiled encouragingly at him and continued, “Mom will be happy for you too.”

       He sighed and muttered, “You’re not going to give up, are you?”

       “You know me,” she laughed, “I never know when to quit.”

       Sunggyu smiled at her, and he hated himself for it. Just like he hated himself for what he said next.

       “Fine.”

       His sister’s eyes widened. “You’ll come home?”

       When he nodded, she squealed and jumped up and down in her seat. Flushing as she realized other patrons were beginning to stare, she began to talk excitedly of all the things they’d have to do when he came back to Jeonju.

       Sunggyu marveled at what had changed inside of him that made him say yes. He wasn’t sure if he liked this new Sunggyu. It reminded him far too much of himself years ago, before he had learned to protect himself from the great disappointments of the world that couldn’t accept him. It scared him, the fact that new-Sunggyu was so vulnerable. He wondered what would happen to new-Sunggyu when Woohyun left.

       That was how Sunggyu found himself slowly entering his apartment that evening, train ticket in hand. How typical of his sister that she had been so confident in bringing him home that she had already bought it. Something told him that even if he hadn’t agreed, it would have found its way into his things, and the idea of it would have slowly wormed its way into his newly-soft heart.

       He decided to sleep until Woohyun got back. He hated how late and how hard Woohyun worked. He was proud of him, of course, but Sunggyu was a selfish being, and in his mind Woohyun’s time was better spent with him, trailing fingers up his skin. He awoke from his nap when he felt the bed dip.

       “Sorry,” Woohyun murmured, settling in behind him, “Did I wake you?”

       Sunggyu sleepily shook his head, and Woohyun laughed. “Don’t lie.”

       “I wanted you to wake me up,” Sunggyu mumbled, stretching and wiping the sleep from his eyes, “I have something to tell you.”

       “Oh?” Woohyun pressed a soft kiss to the nape of his neck. “And what would that be?”

       “I’m going home.” Sunggyu became silent, waiting for Woohyun’s reaction. He felt Woohyun shift closer, squeezing the arm draped around his middle.

       “What changed your mind?” he asked quietly.

       Sunggyu thought for a moment before replying. “They’re my family.”

       Woohyun hummed and closed his eyes. “Do you want me to go with you?”

       Sunggyu took a sharp intake of air. Honestly, he hadn’t thought of introducing Woohyun to his family. It was way too much, way too fast. “I don’t know if they can handle that much at once.”

       “Okay.”

       Sunggyu closed his eyes. “I’m going next weekend. I’ll be there from Friday to Monday.”

       Woohyun was quiet for a moment, mind working hard. “Do you want me to pick you up?”

       “What?” Sunggyu frowned, not understanding.

       Woohyun let his hand rub small circles on Sunggyu’s stomach, pleased with the way Sunggyu’s settled on top of it, lacing their fingers together. “If everything goes well, how about I pick you up Monday? That way, I won’t have to spend the whole weekend with them. You can take the train back if you don’t think I should come.”

       Woohyun’s hand stilled as Sunggyu thought about his proposal. Sunggyu spoke after a moment, voice small. “Sure.”

       Woohyun pulled back. “Wait, really?”

       Sunggyu twisted around to glower at him. “Is it really that surprising?”

       “Yeah, actually,” he grinned. Sunggyu shifted so that he was lying flat on his back. “But it’s a good surprising.”

       Sunggyu’s eyes narrowed. He twisted back onto his side, facing away from him, but Woohyun didn’t miss the flush that had spread to his cheeks. Sunggyu groaned, “You’re so weird.”

       Woohyun laughed, pulling him closer. He tried to kiss Sunggyu’s cheek, but he kept squirming to get away. At last, he got Sunggyu onto his back, and kissed him, fiercely and shamelessly, until Sunggyu pinched his side.

       “Go shower,” Sunggyu said, wrinkling his nose, “You smell like a kitchen.”

       Woohyun groaned. “Fine. But we’re continuing where we left off afterwards.”

       “Then you better hurry,” Sunggyu replied, unimpressed.

       Woohyun jumped out of bed to quickly scrub the smell of grease and smoke out of his skin and hair. Hastily toweling himself off, he practically jumped onto the bed, only to discover Sunggyu lightly snoring, hair sticking up cutely. Woohyun smiled gently, pulling the covers up.

       The following week went by quickly, and for once Sunggyu began to dread the weekend coming. It had been a mistake to take that train ticket from his sister. If he wanted, he still had time to sell it to someone else, or he could just not go altogether, but every time he began to think that way, Woohyun would calm him down. That was another problem, Sunggyu decided. Since when did he need Woohyun to help him calm down? Still, it was a comfort when Woohyun was at the platform that morning to say goodbye.

       “Text me when you get there,” Woohyun said. He was allowed one hug, Sunggyu had said. He pulled him in, careful to not bury his head in his neck like he wanted to. He felt Sunggyu nod and pull away.

       “I’ll see you soon?” The way Sunggyu’s voice lifted up at the end made Woohyun’s heart ache.

       “Yes,” he nodded, “As long as you want to.”

       “Okay. Goodbye, Woohyun,” he said, stepping onto the platform. Woohyun waved as he boarded, and tried to search for him in the windows of the crowded car, but he couldn’t see him. He still stood there, however, until the train left, on the small chance that Sunggyu could somehow see him.

       Sunggyu tried to sleep on the train ride, but couldn’t. Instead, he watched the countryside zoom past the window, and tried to think about anything other than what might happen when he walked through the front door of his mother’s home. He tried counting farmhouses. He reached 72 before the train reached Jeonju.

       He spotted his sister waving at him through the crowds at the station platform. He dragged his suitcase over to where she was standing and gave her a hug.

       “Welcome home, Gyu,” she said, squeezing him tightly. She laughed when Sunggyu began to cough and pound on her shoulder. “Mom’s excited to see you.”

       “Yeah? Then let me get there in one piece, will you?” He pushed her hand away as she tried to take his bag and followed her to the car.

       As he passed familiar streets and and corner shops, his heart began to race. He smiled sheepishly when his sister placed a hand on his bouncing leg halfway home. She parked on the street in front of the dull, gray building he hated to remember. He gazed silently at the black door whose paint had peeled to the point of rendering the numbers illegible. His last memory of that door was it slamming shut behind him, muffling the shouting on the other side.

       Sunggyu entered cautiously behind his sister, removing their shoes as she called for their mother. “Mom, we’re home!”

       Sunggyu felt a sickness in his stomach as he heard the shuffling of pots and pans coming from the kitchen. After a moment, his mother stepped into the hallway. The first thing Sunggyu thought was that she was much smaller than he remembered. If his childhood self remembered her as a tender-hearted adult who never let him leave home with an empty stomach, the him from two years ago remembered her as a wraith of anger and resentment. Now, she was neither of those things. She looked frail, dirty apron tied around her thin frame. She daintily removed her rubber cleaning gloves, setting them aside.

       Sunggyu’s hands shook as he unconsciously grabbed the strap of the bag slung across his shoulder. They both waited for someone else to speak first, eyes never leaving each other. After a moment, his mother took a step forward. “Welcome home, Sunggyu-yah.”

       Something in Sunggyu, something hard and dark but grown brittle over the years, broke, as he took shaky steps to meet her halfway and enveloped her in a hug. They stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms, and they both could feel the weight of all the words still left unsaid hanging over their heads.

       “I’m sorry.” His mother’s words were muffled in his shirt.

       Sunggyu rested his chin on top of her head. “It’s okay, mom.”

       She raised her hands to grip his arms, pushing him away. She gave him a once over with teary eyes. “Someone’s been feeding you well, Sunggyu-yah.”

       Sunggyu gave a teary laugh as she pinched his side, “Yeah, I can’t wait for you to meet them.”

       Her hands slid down his arms to grab Sunggyu’s hands. Her next words were so achingly tender, Sunggyu felt his heart twist inside his chest. “I’m just worried about you.”

       “I know, Mom,” his voice cracked, squeezing her hands.

       “It won’t be easy for you,” she said as she rubbed small circles onto his palms with her thumbs, “but you’re still my son, my baby.”

       Sunggyu simply nodded, unable to find the words, but he didn’t need them. She knew--the proof was written all over the way she gently asked him if he wanted something to eat and pulled him into the kitchen. He was home.

       That night, just like the ones that followed, and the many more reunions that would come after that, were filled with laughter and they were filled with love. As good as Woohyun’s cooking was, it wasn’t his mother’s. It didn’t remind him of winter nights, all those years ago, when they still lived in a rooftop apartment just to make ends meet, the three of them shivering under a thin blanket. Sunggyu would always get to sleep in the middle, warm and protected.

       Saturday afternoon was set aside for re-discovering his natal city, his sister by his side. Dohyun had taken their son to his parents’ house, and would be coming home on Sunday. That evening was for Sunggyu’s mother, as she showed him photograph after photograph, letting him catch up on years worth of missed births, deaths, and graduations.

       It was as he was staring at the wedding photo of some cousin he barely knew when he blurted out, “I’m seeing someone.”

       His mother was silent for a moment, small hands straightening out the photographs they hadn’t yet gotten to. “Is he a good man?”

       “Yeah,” Sunggyu breathed, “He’s really good.”

       She swiped her finger over an old, faded polaroid. It was of Sunggyu’s father as a child. He looked breathtakingly similar to Sunggyu, though Sunggyu insisted he couldn’t see it. “Let me meet him.”

       “Really?” Sunggyu’s throat got tight. He knew how hard it was for her, but she just rested one of her warm hands over his. “He wants to come pick me up Monday.”

       “Tell me about him first,” she said. Sunggyu began to think of the things he loved about Woohyun, and soon they began to overflow from his mouth. His mother took it all in silence, her hand never leaving Sunggyu’s.

       Dohyun arrived with the baby on Sunday. Sunggyu had never been good with kids. Honestly, he found them annoying, but his sister’s baby was kind of cute, he admitted. At first, he would cry every time he was placed in Sunggyu’s arms. After a while, though, he got used to ‘Uncle Gyu’ and would grab every bit of Sunggyu he could reach. To be honest, Sunggyu wasn’t sure which he preferred, rubbing a patch of hair that was sure to develop into a bald spot.

       He mostly avoided Dohyun while he was there, but his task wasn’t easy. It seemed like Dohyun was doing everything in his power to get him alone, but it wasn’t like there was anything to talk about. He had chosen his own path, and Sunggyu had chosen his. It was too late for either of them to talk about regret or second chances.

       After dinner, as he washed dishes, Dohyun managed to corner him. His back had been turned, and he hadn’t noticed his mother leave to join her daughter and grandchild in the living room. “You look well, Gyu.”

       “How long has it been since you last called me that?” Sunggyu scoffed, “Don’t act like we’re friends.”

       “We’re not friends. We’re brothers,” he replied quietly.

       Sunggyu dropped the cup he was washing and dried his hands. Glaring, he pointed a finger at Dohyun’s chest. “I’ll tell you what I told you the last time I saw your miserable face: if you cheat on her, you’re dead.”

       Dohyun smiled, and gently pushed the finger away. “I hear you’re seeing someone.”

       “That’s none of your business,” Sunggyu replied, making his way for the door, but Dohyun blocked him.

       “Has he told his parents?”

       “Seriously, Dohyun,” Sunggyu warned, “Move.”

       “Of course he hasn’t,” Dohyun stepped closer, “but he promised he would, right?”

       “Shut up,” Sunggyu struggled to keep his voice low. Part of him wanted to out him right there, but there was his sister to think about. It would break her heart and tear apart a family. Not even Sunggyu could do that to someone.

       “I don’t know why you resent me this much,” he continued, “you could at least respect my choice.”

       “Me?” Sunggyu asked incredulously, “ _She_ was your choice. Respect _her_.”

       “I do,” he snapped.

       Sunggyu took a deep breath. “Then we have nothing else to talk about. Let me pass.”

       Dohyun silently stepped aside, but Sunggyu could feel his eyes follow him all the way to the living room.

       Monday came too soon, but Sunggyu couldn’t hide his wide smile when he saw Woohyun’s car pull up to the curb. He adjusted his nephew’s weight in his arms, and hurried out of the entryway to greet him. Woohyun squinted at the bright sunlight, but broke into a grin at the sight of Sunggyu and the two-year-old balanced in his arms.

       He wrapped his arms around Sunggyu and the child, who began to laugh and reach for him. Sunggyu pouted at how quickly his nephew’s affections were swayed. Sunggyu’s mother stood at the doorway, watching the scene in silence. Woohyun approached and dipped into a 90 degree bow.

       “Thank you for taking care of Sunggyu-hyung,” he said, not daring to rise before she placed a hand on his shoulder. He shifted nervously under her stare, and he recognized where Sunggyu’s biting glare had come from.

       “You must be Woohyun-ah,” she said slowly, giving him a once over.

       “Yes,” he licked his lips nervously, “Sunggyu-hyung and I are-- we’re--”

       “He’s already told me,” she replied, face blank, “He also told me that you’re a chef.”

       “Yes ma’am,” he said, and began to ramble off details about his restaurant, not noticing as she silently waved Sunggyu off to go get his sister. When they were alone, she raised a hand for him to stop.

       “I have something for you, Woohyun-ah,” she said, holding up a small, delicate box in her other hand that he hadn’t noticed before. He took it from her slightly trembling hand. She motioned for him to open it, and inside he found index cards of what looked like recipes. “They’re Sunggyu-yah’s favorite recipes. Please cook them for him sometimes.”

       Woohyun gaped at the gift. She continued, “I know he won’t admit it when he’s lonely or homesick because he doesn’t want to trouble others. Please look after him.”

       Woohyun nodded silently and closed the lid of the box. At that moment, Sunggyu and his sister reappeared. She had taken hold of her son, and Sunggyu waved at them to come inside. He tilted his head. “What are you two talking about?”

       “Nothing,” Woohyun smiled, hiding the box behind his back, “I’ll be inside in a minute.”

       As Sunggyu helped his mother inside, Woohyun discreetly hid the box in the back seat of the car. He followed them inside to find the table covered in dishes of all kinds. Sunggyu rubbed the back of his head sheepishly and said, “My mom didn’t want us to leave on an empty stomach.”

       Woohyun smiled and pulled out Sunggyu’s chair for him. “It looks delicious.”

       Sunggyu shot him a look and shoved his arm lightly as his cheeks grew pink. They were seated, and any lingering tensions were dissipated as they began to eat. Woohyun was delighted to find out that Sunggyu’s sister, unlike the rest of her family, cared very deeply about soccer, and they were soon engrossed in a very serious conversation about Korea’s chances at the World Cup. Woohyun noticed that Dohyun was silent, eyes never leaving Sunggyu, and it irritated him, but he couldn’t glare at him without being too obvious.

       Sunggyu discussed his latest OST work and was delighted to find that his mother had been recording every drama he featured in. They were in unlabeled DVD cases on the bookshelf in the living room. Sunggyu looked more relaxed than he ever had since he had known him, Woohyun realized, and the thought made him smile.

       As they cleared the dishes, Woohyun nudged Sunggyu and said quietly, “Are you glad you came?”

       “Yeah,” Sunggyu smiled, and carried his plate into the kitchen. Woohyun’s heart beat funnily when he saw him retreat. It was like Sunggyu was familiar and strange to him all at once, and it made him smile to think that this was what Sunggyu had always been like. This was what he was like under the layers of protection he had built for himself.

       As he helped Sunggyu’s mother with the dishes, he heard Sunggyu carrying his luggage down the stairs. He jumped and ran to help him with it, and when everything was packed, it was time for goodbyes.

       “Don’t be a stranger,” his sister muttered in Sunggyu’s ear as they hugged. He squeezed her tighter.

       “I’ll come back for Chuseok,” he promised. He waved goodbye to his nephew, and smiled at his shy wave back. His mother was next. She held him close.

       “I love you,” he muttered, smoothing down her hair. She squeezed him tighter before letting go. Too soon, they were waving goodbye, heading back into the house. As Woohyun went to start up the car, Sunggyu put his luggage in the trunk and slammed it shut. He turned when he heard the front door open again.

       It was Dohyun. He rushed out the door towards Sunggyu, but paused just before him. Woohyun squinted and got out of the car.

       “I’m happy for you, Sunggyu,” he said, not knowing what to do with his hands, “really.”

       Woohyun slid an arm around Sunggyu’s waist and glared. Dohyun looked at him with a bemused expression. “You’re Woohyun, right? Take care of him.”

       “Yeah,” Woohyun narrowed his eyes. Dohyun laughed.

       “See you around?” he asked, holding his hand out to shake.

       Sunggyu took it and gave him a small smile. “Thanks, Dohyun.”

       Sunggyu and Woohyun got into the car and began the long journey back to Seoul. The sun would be setting as they got back, casting its golden light over the city that held their uncertain future in its heart. There were miles and miles to go, but Sunggyu was fine, would be fine, as long as his fingers were laced with Woohyun’s as they flew down the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the last one! Expect it very soon :)


	4. Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had this chapter finished back when I posted chapter 3, but things happened and I was really dissatisfied with it so I rewrote the entire ending and almost doubled the word count. That's why this took a bit longer than I thought it would ^^

        Chuseok came and went, and the leaves became painted with ten thousand shades of gold and red as October arrived. The days turned cold, but it was alright as long as Woohyun could spend them in Sunggyu’s warm embrace. It scared him, the intensity of his feelings. It was like every day they grew and grew and grew, and Woohyun thought they might grow so big as to tear him apart.

        It was like an obsession, the way Woohyun catalogued all the things Sunggyu did that made him love him even more. Something in him had changed, or broken, or been tamed. Like the dawn, every moment he grew brighter and brighter, and at some point it had blinded Woohyun. When he was with him, things like worry and doubt and fear began to fade away.

        It was one of those rare mornings where Woohyun woke up before Sunggyu. He smiled at the way Sunggyu’s lips were parted, emitting a light snore. It was one of many of Sunggyu’s flaws that he had grown to adore, even if it wore him out some nights. He pried himself from Sunggyu’s vice-like grip around his waist and padded into the kitchen. Turning on the coffee maker, he checked his messages.

        There was a missed call from his mother which, while not unusual in and of itself, was remarkable because it was barely eight in the morning. He must have still been half asleep, because he instinctively pressed the button to call her back.

        “It must be a special day for Nam Woohyun to return his mother’s calls,” she tutted. Woohyun winced.

        “Nice to talk to you too, Ma,” he croaked, voice still husky from sleep, “Why did you call this early?”

        “Whenever I call you in the afternoon, you tell me not to call you at work,” she huffed.

        Woohyun sighed, rubbing his face. It was true; he  _ had _ been avoiding her calls lately. Ever since he had refused to come home for Chuseok she had been nosing about, trying to get him to confess who he had spent it with. She clearly thought he was seeing someone, but that someone was not a woman, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to break it to her.

        In fact, every time Woohyun thought about telling her, his heart began to beat uncomfortably fast and his gut twisted like writhing snakes. He wanted to, more than anything else in the world, but his body so violently rejected the idea that he couldn’t even begin to think of bringing it up.

        “Sorry,” he sighed, rubbing his face, “I’ve just been busy.”

        “Too busy to call your mom, too busy to come home for Chuseok,” she nagged. Woohyun resisted the urge to throw the phone.

        “I promise I’ll call more often,” he replied. He pulled a mug from the cabinet and poured himself some coffee. He jolted when he felt arms slide around his waist, spilling some on his hand. He dropped the pot and yelped. “Ow, fuck!”

        “Woohyun, what was that?”

        Sunggyu jumped back, silently making frantic motions with his hands. He grabbed a rag and soaked it in water as Woohyun shook his hand in pain. “Nothing, Mom, just spilled some coffee on my hand.”

        Sunggyu pressed the cool rag to his hand and he groaned. “I’ve got to go now.”

        “Call me again soon,” she said, “And call your brother! He hasn’t heard from you in months.”

        “ _ Okay _ , Mom, bye.” Woohyun threw down the phone, grabbed his hand, and cursed.

        “I’m so sorry, fuck.” Sunggyu reached for his hand to re-apply the wet rag. “Are you okay?”

        Woohyun stared, bemused, at his still panicked expression. Sunggyu was worriedly turning over his hand, looking for any signs of damage. Woohyun smiled. “Was that your attempt at being sexy and spontaneous?”

        Sunggyu dropped his hand and narrowed his eyes. “You’re an ass.”

        Woohyun laughed and pulled him in before he could walk away. He pressed a good morning kiss to his lips, not breaking it until Sunggyu groaned and pushed him away.

        “Morning breath,” Sunggyu said, wrinkling his nose.

        “You know I don’t mind,” Woohyun grinned, sneaking in another kiss before Sunggyu could duck.

        “I meant yours, idiot,” Sunggyu scoffed, “I already brushed my teeth.”

        Woohyun tried to keep a straight face, but his lips twitched into a smile when he saw Sunggyu try to discreetly smell his breath. “I was kidding, Gyu.”

        “You’re a dick,” Sunggyu muttered, shoving him as he burst into laughter, “I can’t believe I felt sorry for you.”

        After his laughter subsided, he asked, “Do you want any coffee?”

        “Sure, but let me do it,” Sunggyu replied, pushing him out of the way. Sunggyu poured them both a mug, and handed Woohyun his before blowing and testing the temperature with his tongue. He watched Sunggyu stare at him from over the rim of the mug as he took a sip.

        “What are you thinking about?” Sunggyu asked, furrowing his brow.

        Woohyun smiled. “How much I love you.”

        Sunggyu squinted, before taking a sip and mumbling, “Gross.”

        They drank their coffee in silence. As Sunggyu set his mug down, he shivered. He huddled close to Woohyun, who winced as he stuck his cold hands up his shirt.

        “Do you have to go to work today?” Sunggyu sighed, resting his head on Woohyun’s shoulder.

        Woohyun rubbed a hand up and down his back and said, “You know Saturday is our busiest night.”

        “I know,” Sunggyu whined, “Working on Saturdays should be illegal.”

        “You’re not the one who has to work, you know,” Woohyun replied.

        Sunggyu hugged him tighter, and shuffled even closer until his cold toes rested on top of Woohyun’s. “I know, but I miss you when you’re gone.”

        Woohyun looked at him tenderly. He wanted so badly to call off work, but even a sous chef as talented as Dongwoo couldn’t keep up with a Saturday night rush. He’d never hear the end of it if he abandoned him now.

        “Why don’t you call Myungsoo?” Woohyun asked, voice low.

        Sunggyu groaned, “Myungsoo’s in Japan until November.”

        Sunggyu stepped back, and began to list on his fingers all the friends who had abandoned him. “Sungjongie’s still mad at me. Heechul has work too, so he’s busy. Sungyeol is… well, I’d rather just wait at home for you.”

        Woohyun reached out to ruffle Sunggyu’s disheveled hair. Sunggyu swatted his hand away, annoyed. Woohyun set his mug down and grabbed Sunggyu’s wrists. They stared each other down as Woohyun debated his chances of getting to Sunggyu’s hair before he could block him.

        After a moment, Sunggyu spoke, “Was that your mom on the phone?”

        “Yeah,” Woohyun replied, sighing, “She wanted me to stop ignoring her calls.”

        “Then don’t ignore her calls.”

        “But then I get to spend less time with you.” Woohyun pinched Sunggyu’s nose as he frowned.

        Sunggyu narrowed his eyes and swatted his hand away again. “Was she asking about Chuseok?”

        Woohyun nodded. Sunggyu wrapped his arms around himself and looked at the ground. He spoke after a moment, voice soft. “I’m sorry.”

        “What?” Woohyun frowned, grabbing Sunggyu’s chin and tilting his head to look at him. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

        “I know, it’s just,” Sunggyu sighed, “Still. Sorry.”

        Woohyun’s hand moved from Sunggyu’s chin to caress the side of his face, smoothing a thumb over his cheek. He held him like that for a moment before pulling him for a kiss, softly this time. Sunggyu sighed and leaned in for another, wrapping his arms around Woohyun’s neck.

        “I still have a few hours before I have to get ready,” Woohyun mumbled as they broke apart. Sunggyu pushed him against the counter, and kissed him again. Woohyun could feel the weight of Sunggyu’s unspoken apologies as his tongue ran stripes along his lower lip. He couldn’t figure out how to tell him they weren’t necessary, so he kissed him back.

        For Woohyun, being with Sunggyu was like a dream, he decided. When they were together, there was nothing to explain, nothing to hide, and nothing to feel ashamed of. In their world, the one they built for themselves in that overcrowded apartment, they only had each other, but that was okay because it was all they really needed. 

        And like all dreams, Woohyun discovered, its ending was already written. The real world was pushing in, and something had to give.

        It happened on a Sunday in November.

        Woohyun’s car had broken down, so he had asked Dongwoo to pick him up, but somehow, perhaps by some cruel god’s divine will, Woohyun had forgotten to tell Sunggyu about the whole arrangement. When the doorbell rang as he was brushing his teeth that morning, he was half a minute too late to stop Sunggyu from opening the door.

        “Sunggyu?” Dongwoo asked, surprised, trying to peer inside the apartment, “Does Woohyun live here? He told me to pick him up at his new place...”

        Sunggyu gaped at the man standing in the doorway. He had met him once at a drinking party with Woohyun’s friends, but wasn’t exactly sure why he would be at their apartment at mid-morning on a Sunday. His hands began to tremble as he debated calling Woohyun or telling him he had the wrong address. At that moment, Woohyun stumbled into the living room.

        “Oh, Woohyun, there you--” Dongwoo’s eyes widened. “Woohyun?”

        And Woohyun would have rushed to explain, that Sunggyu was just a roommate, someone who let him live there because it was closer to the restaurant, if Sunggyu weren’t covered in hickeys and wearing one of Woohyun’s favorite shirts. Even Dongwoo wasn’t naive enough to believe a lie that blatant.

        “Um,” Sunggyu’s voice trembled as he took a step back. He threw a hand up to cover his mouth, turned on his heel, and ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

        Woohyun looked back and forth, wide-eyed, between Dongwoo and the bedroom door. He motioned to Dongwoo to wait for one minute, before approaching the bedroom. “Sunggyu!”

        He tried the handle but it was locked. He sighed. Returning to where a baffled Dongwoo was still standing in his doorway, he pulled him out into the hallway. Woohyun stood silently, staring at his feet, before Dongwoo spoke.

        “Um, Woohyun,” he said carefully, “What’s Sunggyu doing at your apartment?”

        Woohyun gave a weak laugh. At least he had the tact not to add ‘before noon on a Sunday, covered in hickeys and wearing your clothes.’ “What does it look like?”

        “I don’t understand,” Dongwoo pleaded, “please, Woohyun, just tell me what’s going on with you. Is this why you don’t hang out with me and Hoya anymore?”

        Woohyun’s hands balled into fists. “What am I supposed to say? ‘I can’t hang out, I’m too busy fucking a man’?”

        “Jesus, Woohyun,” Dongwoo groaned, “You don’t have to put it like that.”

        “Oh, God,” Woohyun’s voice cracked as he hid his face in his hands.

        “Woohyun?” Dongwoo pulled his hands away from his face and began to panic when he saw his friend’s face wet with tears. “Fuck, don’t cry, okay? Please?”

        Woohyun crouched down, his breaths coming faster and faster. Dongwoo began to panic, and considered running inside to get Sunggyu before kneeling down next to him and rubbing his back. “It’s okay, Woohyun! It’s okay!”

        Woohyun’s breathing began to slow, but tears still slipped down his cheeks and onto the floor. He took shuddering breaths until he could speak.

        “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

        “Woohyun,” Dongwoo asked carefully, “Are you gay?”

        Unable to speak, Woohyun clasped his hand to his mouth and nodded. Dongwoo pursed his lips and looked at his friend, concerned.

        “Does anyone else know?”

        Woohyun thought of Kibum, then shook his head. Dongwoo sighed.

        “Well,” he hesitated before continuing, “You’re still Woohyun. Nothing changes that.”

        Woohyun looked up with wide eyes. His lower lip trembled as he took in Dongwoo’s gentle smile. Dongwoo reached out and grabbed his hand.

        “Let’s go back inside,” he said softly, pulling Woohyun up and back into his apartment. He led him to the couch. “I’m going to text Hoya that we’ll be late. The kitchen staff can start prep without us.”

        Woohyun nodded and stared blankly ahead, numb. He figured Sunggyu was still in the bedroom. He was probably a mess and, oh, God, he still has to go to work. Before his mind could work itself up into a panic again, Dongwoo came back with a glass of water. He handed it to Woohyun before taking a deep breath.

        “I won’t tell anyone.” Woohyun nodded and stared into his glass. He wasn’t really thirsty. He didn’t really feel much of anything at the moment. Dongwoo continued, “I think you should tell Hoya, but I won’t force you. He misses you though, so you owe him some kind of explanation.”

        Woohyun gulped. That conversation wasn’t going to be pleasant. He had a feeling that no matter what lie he told, Howon would be able to see right through him. Still, he mumbled, “I’ll think about it.”

        “Okay,” Dongwoo said, standing up. “Now that that’s over, you need to get ready.”

        Woohyun pushed himself to stand. He turned to Dongwoo and said, voice small, “Thank you.”

        “Argh,” Dongwoo groaned, reaching out to ruffle Woohyun’s hair. “This is driving me crazy! Let’s just be friends, okay? Like normal.”

        Woohyun laughed. In fact, he laughed much harder than he probably should have. He realized what he was feeling just then--he felt light, like there was some weight in his stomach that had suddenly disappeared. It was a lightness that was also infectious, and soon Dongwoo was laughing too.

        “I have to say goodbye to Sunggyu,” he realized. Dongwoo nodded and motioned for him to go.

        Woohyun knocked on the bedroom door. His hand hesitated above the knob, then tried the handle again. He sighed in relief when he found it unlocked. Sunggyu was sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, but when he noticed Woohyun had entered he jumped up.

        “Woohyun, I’m so sorry. God, I--” Sunggyu went over to him, and moved to hold him, but stopped, unsure if it was okay. “I didn’t know he’d be there.”

        Woohyun noticed his eyes were red and his hands were shaking. Maybe Sunggyu hadn’t been crying, but he had clearly been trying not to. He stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. “It’s not your fault,” he said, running his fingers through Sunggyu’s still messy hair, “I’ll see you tonight, alright?”

        Sunggyu nodded and hugged him tighter. When they broke apart, Woohyun met Dongwoo back in the living room. Not sure what to do with his arms, he shrugged. “I’m ready to go, I think.”

        Dongwoo nodded, and together they got into his car and headed towards the restaurant. The car ride was quiet, but not uncomfortably so. He parked outside, but stopped Woohyun before he could open the door.

        “You’re going to be alright?” Dongwoo asked, searching Woohyun’s face for some kind of indicator that he wasn’t going to fall apart in the middle of dinner rush.

        Woohyun nodded. He knew that, somehow, he really  _ was _ alright as long as Dongwoo was alright. It was like--he had built everything up in his head, but among the infinitely numerous possible outcomes, he had somehow dismissed outright the possibility that everything would turn out just fine. Dongwoo nodded back, glad to have Woohyun back to normal. They walked in through the front door together.

        That night, Woohyun returned, exhausted and sweaty, but alright. Still just alright. He wanted to see Sunggyu more than anything. It had bothered him leaving him like that. Sunggyu had probably spent the whole day still blaming himself. It was in his nature to feel responsible for everything, just like it was in Woohyun’s to love him for it.

        He found Sunggyu curled up asleep on the couch, phone clutched in his hand. The light was still on. He had probably been waiting for him to get home, and the realization made Woohyun’s heart ache in a way that made him feel alive. He scooped Sunggyu into his arms and carried him into the bedroom.

        Sunggyu woke up when he felt his body move. Half asleep and still not totally convinced he wasn’t dreaming, he mumbled, “Hyun? Is that you?”

        “Yeah,” Woohyun smiled, placing him gently on the bed. “It’s me.”

        “‘m sorry,” Sunggyu yawned, blinking up at him blearily.

        Woohyun curled up next to where Sunggyu lay on his back in bed. He wrapped an arm around his stomach and sighed, “How many times do I have to tell you there’s nothing to be sorry for?”

        “Still,” he said, resting his hand atop Woohyun’s where it lay on his torso and lacing their fingers together, “I feel bad. Was it… Is everything okay?”

        Woohyun settled closer, nuzzling his head into Sunggyu’s neck. “Yeah, actually. It is.”

        “That’s great, Hyun,” Sunggyu smiled sleepily and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “I’m really happy for you.”

        “Yeah,” Woohyun said softly. He was quiet for a moment, then asked, “Gyu, what made you decide to tell your family?”

        Sunggyu furrowed his brows. “What’s with that all of the sudden?”

        Woohyun shrugged. Sunggyu hummed as he thought about it. He spoke quietly, “I think it was when my friends started getting married. It made me sad. I hooked up with a lot of guys who could only talk about finding a girlfriend soon and getting married. It pissed me off, but I think I came to understand it a little when my mom started pressuring me.”

        Woohyun squeezed his arm around Sunggyu’s middle as he continued, “I knew I couldn’t live like that. It eats you from the inside, Hyun. I’ve seen what it does to people and it only causes hurt and pain and resentment. It would kill me.”

        It was silent for a little while after he stopped speaking as Woohyun absorbed everything he had said. “Should I tell my family?”

        Sunggyu’s brows shot up, shocked at the question. “Of course I think you should, but that’s up to you.”

        After a moment, Sunggyu added, “You won’t be alone if you decide to do it.”

        “Hm?” Woohyun shifted so that he could meet Sunggyu’s tender gaze.

        “I’ll be there for you,” Sunggyu said, “When I came out to my family, I had no one, and it hurt me. It made me like how I am now. Or how I used to be, I guess.”

        Woohyun could barely see the blush begin to cover Sunggyu’s cheeks in the dark bedroom. “I used to think that I couldn’t be happy. My family had abandoned me, and most of the people I had dated planned to get married. But then I met you, and I thought that maybe it was okay to be happy because you were always there for me.”

        Sunggyu took a deep breath before continuing. “So, if you do decide to tell them, I’ll be there for you too. Even if things go wrong, you’ll always have me, Woohyun.”

        They were quiet for a long while after that. Woohyun didn’t know when he fell asleep, but when he woke up, Sunggyu had pulled him closer in his sleep, and he knew that what he had said was true. After all these months and all of their turmoil, Sunggyu had no intention of going anywhere. Sunggyu was his, well and truly his, and he felt like he could do anything.

        It was the first week in December when Sunggyu received a call from Jaejoong. They hadn’t talked since the wedding, but his son had been born two weeks prior and it seemed as good a time as any to catch up.

        Fatherhood suited Jaejoong. There wasn’t a more tender gaze in the world than the one he made as he picked the infant up out of his crib and placed him in Sunggyu’s arms. He was asleep (“For once,” Jaejoong joked), and while Sunggyu would still insist he hated kids, Woohyun couldn’t tell from the bright smile on his face as he gently rocked the small baby.

        “Isn’t he great?” Jaejoong said quietly, gazing proudly at his child.

        “He’s amazing,” Woohyun whispered, reaching out and slowly wiping a finger across the impossibly soft skin of the baby’s red cheek.

        “He looks like you.” Sunggyu said softly, looking up.

        Jaejoong rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and sat down in the light blue armchair. “I guess he kind of does.”

        “Do you want to hold him too?” Sunggyu asked as he nudged Woohyun with his elbow. Woohyun nodded, throat dry, as he took the sleeping child into his arms and gently rocked him. He had always loved kids.

        Woohyun sat down in the rocking chair while Sunggyu leaned against the bookshelf that had been decorated with pastel animals. Woohyun barely registered their conversation as he stared at the small life before him, unable to tear his eyes away.

        “How are you holding up?” Sunggyu asked quietly. Jaejoong sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. When he wasn’t smiling, the bags under his eyes were much more noticeable.

        “Fine, I guess. He already sleeps through the night.”

        “That’s not what I meant,” Sunggyu said, “How’s your wife?”

        “She’s fine,” Jaejoong mumbled, “I’m fine. We’re all just… fine.”

        Sunggyu pursed his lips, silent. After a moment, Jaejoong spoke. “She’s asleep right now.”

        Sunggyu nodded, waiting for him to continue.

        “She’s got the harder go of it, to be honest,” he whispered, “She spends more time with him, and she’s the one who’s stuck with a husband who can’t get it up for her unless he’s drunk off his ass.”

        Woohyun looked up at that. Something uncomfortable twisted in his gut. Sunggyu was staring at his friend in pity, arms crossed in front of his chest. Jaejoong’s hands shook slightly as he twisted the gold wedding band on his finger.

        “I love her, you know,” Jaejoong said, never lifting his gaze from the floor, “I love the both of them. And my parents are so happy.”

        Woohyun stared hard at the baby. The twisting feeling in his stomach wouldn’t go away.

        “I know,” Sunggyu said, taking a step forward and placing a hand on Jaejoong’s shoulder.

        Jaejoong let out a shaky breath. “How’s Yunho?”

        “I saw him last week,” Sunggyu smiled, “He asked the same thing about you.”

        Jaejoong sat with his head hung, silent, for a few moments. Woohyun held the baby a little tighter. He brushed a finger across the his small palm, and the infant’s hand instinctively grasped it tightly. Woohyun smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

        “Was it worth it?”

        Jaejoong looked up at Sunggyu whose eyes had become sad. He rested his own hand on top of the one on his shoulder. “I don’t know.”

        Sunggyu nodded, as if confirming something, and stepped back. He walked to where Woohyun still sat with the baby in his arms. The baby’s eyes were opening, but he hadn’t started crying yet. Woohyun gazed gently down at him and softly brushed a finger across his nose.

        “Good morning,” he whispered. The baby cooed in response, and even Sunggyu had to smile at that. He had never realized how good Woohyun was with kids. Jaejoong stood to take his son back into his arms.

        “He’s going to start crying for his bottle soon,” he said, and sure enough not a moment later the baby began to sob and hiccup.

        Jaejoong sighed and began to bounce the baby up and down in his arms. “You two better leave. I think he’s done being cute for the day.”

        They laughed at that and bid him farewell. The ride back was mostly silent, both lost in their own thoughts.

        As they entered their apartment, Sunggyu walked slowly, eyes unfocused, to the couch and sat down, absentmindedly fiddling with his watch. Woohyun frowned and sat down next to him.

        “What are you thinking about?” he asked, resting his head on Sunggyu’s shoulder. Sunggyu didn’t move in response.

        “A lot of things,” he replied, finally deciding to take his watch off and place it on the coffee table, “I didn’t know you were good with kids. Do you like them?”

        Woohyun lifted his head and shrugged. “I guess I do. I never really thought about it before.”

        “Right,” Sunggyu said, relaxing a bit when Woohyun grabbed his hand and interlaced their fingers, “Do you want them?”

        Woohyun tilted his head thoughtfully. “I guess so, some day.”

        “Right.”

        Sunggyu didn’t look at Woohyun, but he could sense the tension in the air as Sunggyu’s fingers clenched in his grasp. He sighed when he realized what Sunggyu was thinking about.

        “I don’t want them, though, if the only way I can get them is by ending up like Jaejoong.”

        Woohyun let go of Sunggyu’s hand to slide his arm around his waist, pressing a kiss against his shoulder. He pulled him closer so that they were both laying back against the couch, Sunggyu’s head on his shoulder.

        “We can’t ever have them,” Sunggyu said quietly, staring into the distance. Woohyun tightened his hold.

        “We can adopt.”

        Sunggyu shook his head. “We can’t. We can’t get married and if one of us applied independently… no agency would ever adopt out a child to a single father.”

        Woohyun tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. “That’s stupid.”

        “I know.”

        “We’ll figure something out,” Woohyun said quietly, “I’ll tell my parents at Christmas and we can begin to figure something out--”

        “You’ll tell your parents?” Sunggyu twisted around to face him. Woohyun let out a shaky breath.

        “Y-yeah,” he said before putting moving his hand to the back of Sunggyu’s head. Sunggyu’s smile as Woohyun pressed a kiss to his forehead made him think that the rash promise was worth it. Sunggyu was worth it.

        They decided that they would go together to Woohyun’s parents house for Christmas. Woohyun loved them, and even though he was scared, he wanted to share that part of himself with his parents. He wanted them to know and to love Sunggyu too. If he gave into fear and didn’t tell them, it wouldn’t be fair. Not for him, and not for Sunggyu who didn’t deserve to be anyone’s secret.

        They practiced together. Woohyun would say it into a mirror, then to Sunggyu. He felt nervous, like he couldn’t get the wording right, but Sunggyu assured him he was doing fine. He told Howon next at Dongwoo’s insistence. He was surprised, certainly, but Dongwoo calmed him down and not more than 24 hours later he was back to normal. Woohyun could cry from relief. It was like with every person he told the burden became less and less, the weight of his secret distributed wider and wider until it felt like nothing at all.

        As the days grew colder, Woohyun grew more and more alive with the feeling of hope that had lodged itself in his chest. He was at the same time excited beyond words and scared to death. Christmas Eve came, and before he knew it he was parked in front of his birth home, Sunggyu in the passenger seat.

        “I guess we should go in,” he said, hoping Sunggyu wouldn’t notice how his voice shook. But of course he did, because he was Sunggyu and he could read Woohyun like an open book.

        Sunggyu placed a hand on Woohyun’s from where it held a vice-grip on the gearshift. “It’ll be okay, Woohyun. They’re your family and they love you, and-- and even if they don’t react how you hope they will I’ll still be here for you.”

        Woohyun nodded and opened the car door. He could barely stop the tremor in his hand as he rang the doorbell. A moment later his mother opened the door and pulled him into a tight hug.

        “I’m home, Mom,” he said as she squeezed him tighter. She pushed him back and rubbed his arm, looking at him with adoring eyes.

        “My baby’s finally home,” she cooed, then spotted Sunggyu standing nervously behind him. “Who is this?”

        “This is Sunggyu,” he replied, “I told him you were the best cook in Seoul and brought him along. His family lives in Jeonju, so he doesn’t get home cooked meals often.”

        “Sorry to intrude,” Sunggyu mumbled, hastily bending into a 90 degree bow.

        She pursed her lips and gave him a once over and smiled. “You should have brought him sooner if that’s the case, Woohyun-ah.”

        Sunggyu and Woohyun both visibly relaxed. They planned to break the news at dinner when the whole family would be present. Woohyun had hoped to get Sunggyu in his mother’s good graces before introducing him as his lover, to hopefully soften the blow. They set down their bags in the entryway as they entered the house.

        His mother led them straight into the kitchen where she had already begun dinner. Woohyun’s father was at the restaurant, helping his staff to close early, and Woohyun’s brother, Boohyun, would be joining them for dinner later as well. Sunggyu offered to help, but was shooed from the kitchen with a plate of leftovers from lunch. Woohyun’s mother would never let a guest help prepare dinner. Her son, however, was a different story, and Woohyun was soon set to work washing and chopping vegetables.

        “Your friend is very handsome, Woohyun-ah,” his mother sighed as she prepped the chicken. “He seems like a nice boy.”

        “He’s a composer,” Woohyun replied, “he plays the piano really well.”

        “That’s nice dear, but,” Woohyun’s mother set her knife down, smiling, “it would be even nicer if you had brought your girlfriend over.”

        Woohyun’s stomach twisted. His grip tightened on the counter. “I don’t have a girlfriend, Mom.”

        “Then who did you spend Chuseok with?” she laughed, “I’m your mom, Woohyun. I know everything.”

        Woohyun felt his chest tighten, and gingerly set down the rinsed vegetables. “I’m going to check on Sunggyu.”

        His mother hummed her agreement as Woohyun escaped to the living room. Sunggyu was sitting awkwardly on the couch, leftovers untouched. He paced around the room, running his fingers through his hair as Sunggyu stared silently at him. He stopped and cursed. “Fuck, Sunggyu, I don’t know if this is a good idea anymore.”

        Sunggyu frowned, then stood up and placed a hand on his arm reassuringly. “Just calm down. I’m nervous too, but you’ve practiced. You already decided.”

        Woohyun sighed frustratedly and sat down on the couch, holding his head in his hands. Just then, they heard the front door click as Woohyun’s father and brother walked in. They called out their greetings and Woohyun jumped up from the couch.

        “It’s good to see you,” his father smiled, pulling him in for a brief hug. Boohyun waved his greeting, then both men stopped to gawk at their guest. “Who’s this? I didn’t know we’d have company.”

        “It’s Woohyunnie’s friend, Dear,” his mother called from the kitchen.

        His father shrugged it off and joined them in the living room. At least it was less awkward than waiting with just Sunggyu, Woohyun thought, and they seemed to like him. He wasn’t athletic, but Woohyun had taught him enough about soccer to impress his family and that was all he needed to do.

        “So what do you do for a living?” Boohyun asked, taking the seat on the couch next to Sunggyu as his father settled into the armchair.

        “I’m a composer.”

        “That’s so cool,” Boohyun said, nudging him with his shoulder, “Our Woohyunnie wanted to be a singer as a kid. Can you believe it?”

        Woohyun’s cheeks reddened as Boohyun barked out a laugh. Sunggyu smiled. “Really? He’s never sung in front of me before though.”

        “That’s because he’s embarrassed,” Boohyun leaned across Sunggyu to pinch Woohyun’s cheek, “And it’s our job to embarrass him in front of his friends.”

        Sunggyu laughed as Woohyun angrily pushed his brother’s hand away. Woohyun’s father was laughing quietly too, and it seemed strange to see a smile on such a stoic man’s face.

        “How’s the restaurant?”

        “Great,” Woohyun smiled fondly at his father’s question, “It’s doing really well, Dad.”

        “Good. I’m proud of you,” his father said. Woohyun’s heart swelled.

        “Woohyun makes the best food in Seoul,” Sunggyu said, if only to see the way the tips of Woohyun’s ears turned pink.

        Boohyun grinned. “So you like embarrassing Woohyun too. It’s fun, right?”

        They all laughed except for Woohyun, who bolted to the kitchen to help his mother set the table.

        By the time they had settled into their seats, Woohyun had regained his composure. The smooth conversation and light atmosphere eased the tension, and Woohyun was sure they would accept him. They had to. He just--he had to find the right timing, except there was no right timing. It’s not like they’d just spontaneously start talking about who in their family might be gay, or--

        “Woohyun-ah?”

        Woohyun looked up to find all eyes at the table on him. “Sorry, what?”

        His mother sighed. “See? He always avoids the subject.” She turned to Sunggyu. “I don’t suppose you would happen to know this mystery girl our Woohyunnie is dating, hm?”

        “Oh, uh,” Sunggyu laughed nervously, “I don’t think he’s dating any girl.”

        “Oh,” his mother replied, dejected. Woohyun felt Sunggyu nudge him discreetly under the table. Oh. Right. Woohyun cleared his throat.

        “Um, about that,” he began. His palms began to sweat when all eyes were on him, but he could feel Sunggyu’s gaze as well, anchoring him there. “I actually am seeing someone.”

        His father’s brow furrowed as his mother’s face lit up with glee. She clapped her hands and said, “Tell us then!”

        “What, are you secretly married or something?” Boohyun teased. Woohyun’s father remained silent. Woohyun tried to swallow, but his throat was too dry. He felt Sunggyu touch his leg lightly below the table. No one else seemed to notice the contact, but he could feel sweat beading at his temple.

        “Right, well, you see, that person,” he said, rubbing his wrist nervously, “they’re really nice.”

        “Do we know her?” his mother asked excitedly. She seemed to already be making a mental list in her head of all the eligible girls Woohyun could possibly know.

        “Uh,” Woohyun glanced at Sunggyu who was looking at him intently, “no, I don’t think so.”

        Sunggyu frowned. Woohyun silently cursed himself. His mother’s face fell and she muttered, “Oh.” She regained her composure and said brightly, “Well you must bring her by sometime soon so we can meet her.”

        “Yeah,” Woohyun mumbled, staring at his plate. Suddenly, he wasn’t very hungry. It felt like something hard and uncomfortable had settled itself in the bottom of his stomach. He could feel Sunggyu withdraw from where their knees touched under the table.

        The dinner conversation lulled into an awkward silence. Eventually, his mother cleared her throat. “So, Sunggyu-ssi, I hear you compose?”

        “Oh, yeah,” Sunggyu began to list off some of the dramas he had composed for, and Woohyun’s mother was delighted to find that there were several she was familiar with. The conversation drifted to the plots of the dramas, which Sunggyu was reluctantly familiar with, and everything seemed to go back to normal. Except Woohyun still couldn’t eat or speak. And Sunggyu wouldn’t look at him.

        When dinner was over, Sunggyu shrugged on his bag, still refusing to meet Woohyun’s eyes. Woohyun followed him to the stairs like a kicked puppy.

        “Sunggyu, I’m sorry,” he pleaded. Sunggyu turned around.

        “It’s okay,” he said quietly in a futile attempt to keep his voice from cracking.

        Woohyun’s heart ached. “Sunggyu, I--”

        “Really, it’s okay,” he said, attempting a weak smile, “I can’t force you to tell them.”

        Sunggyu climbed a step before Woohyun’s mother’s voice made him stop. “Sunggyu-yah, are you really going to bed so early?”

        Sunggyu’s face smoothed over into one of sheepish apology. “Sorry, Mrs. Nam, I’m really beat, so I’m turning in.”

        “Goodnight then, dear,” she said, pushing Woohyun aside and pulling Sunggyu into a hug. Something in Woohyun burned, not in jealousy, but in dissatisfaction.

        Sunggyu bit his lip and hesitated on the next step. “Goodnight, Woohyun.”

        Woohyun nodded, throat dry. Sunggyu ascended the stairs, never looking back. He walked back to the kitchen, numb, to help his mother with the dishes.

        Sunggyu collapsed on the small twin bed in the guest room in exhaustion. He felt something cold squeeze inside his chest. It had been there since dinner, and now that he was alone it was all the more intense. He didn’t know what to do, he realized. He had assumed they’d take it badly, but he hadn’t-- he never thought Woohyun would just not say anything. Woohyun had something to say about everything.

        He had assumed Woohyun would speak up and claim him, he guessed, and it hurt to realize otherwise. He had been so stupid, so careless. He clutched his chest. Breathing hurt, everything hurt, and he didn’t know how to make it stop. Blocking it out had been easy before Woohyun. Everything had been so much easier before Woohyun.

        He wanted to leave right then and there, but he couldn’t. It was the middle of the night and freezing, anyways. He would have to suffer through a night of feeling Woohyun’s presence through the thin wall, so close yet impossibly far away.

        Later that night Woohyun laid on his bed and looked at Sunggyu’s contact in his phone. He opened a new message.

_         Are you still up? _

        A moment later came the reply.

_         Yes. _

        Woohyun got up, legs automatically making their way to the door of the guest bedroom. He knocked softly, and after a moment, the door opened.

        Sunggyu stood there in his t-shirt and sweats, hair tousled from where he had been laying on it in bed. Woohyun hesitantly made his way inside the room and shut the door behind him.

        Woohyun tried to think of something to say as Sunggyu stared at him tiredly. He had already apologized and Sunggyu didn’t want to hear it. He wasn’t sure what Sunggyu wanted anymore. So instead, he cupped Sunggyu’s face in his hands and kissed him hard.

        Sunggyu made a surprised whimper before relaxing into Woohyun’s hands. Woohyun stepped forward, forcing Sunggyu to back up until the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed. They collapsed on it, Woohyun biting Sunggyu’s lower lip possessively as Sunggyu struggled to stifle any suspicious noises a nosy family member might hear outside the door.

        Woohyun moved to his neck, trailing kisses along his jugular until he reached Sunggyu’s collarbone. Sunggyu brought a hand to his mouth in a desperate attempt to quiet his moans. Tears pricked at his eyes and he whimpered when Woohyun’s hands snaked under his shirt and up to his nipples.

        They froze when they heard shuffling outside the door. Neither dared to breathe until well after the noise had passed. Woohyun looked down at Sunggyu, who was still trapped underneath him. Sunggyu’s face was red, and his eyes were wet with unshed tears. A hand was clamped tightly over his mouth as he tried to take calming breaths through his nose. His shirt was pushed halfway up his torso.

        “Fuck,” he mumbled, “Sunggyu, I’m sorry.”

        Sunggyu shook his head and removed the hand covering his mouth. He whispered, “It’s okay, Woohyun-ah.”

        In that moment, Woohyun felt unbearably sad. He felt sadder than he knew how to say, so he settled on kissing Sunggyu’s eyelids and quietly whispering “ _ I love you _ ” before retreating to his own bedroom.

        As Woohyun lay in his bed, he thought of Sunggyu in the room next door. It was a long time until he fell asleep.

        The next morning, Sunggyu left before lunch. He only stayed for breakfast because Woohyun’s mother insisted. He said goodbye at the door as a cab waited for him in front of the house.

        “Thank you for having me, Mrs. Nam.”

        Woohyun’s mother cooed and pulled him into a tight hug. “Any time, dear, you just let me know. But do you really have to leave so early?”

        Sunggyu nodded and kissed her forehead. “I have to catch the train to Jeonju to spend Christmas with my own family.”

        “Safe travels, then, and Merry Christmas” she said, waving him goodbye as she retreated into the house. Woohyun was surprised when Boohyun and his father came outside as well.

        Boohyun stuck out his hand to shake Sunggyu’s. He smiled and said, “Woohyun hardly ever brings friends home for us to meet, so you must be special. Thanks for looking out for him.”

        Sunggyu nodded, throat dry. Woohyun’s father stepped forward and clasped a hand on his shoulder. “Nice to meet you, son.”

        He nodded shyly. “Nice to meet you too, Mr. Nam.”

        They both retreated inside so that Sunggyu and Woohyun were the only two left standing outside the doorway. Sunggyu shivered as a gust of cold air blew around them.

        “I’ll see you soon,” he said quietly, hesitantly resting a hand on Woohyun’s arm. “Call me before New Year’s, okay?”

        Woohyun nodded, his words stuck in his throat. He hated goodbyes. He pulled Sunggyu into a brief hug so that he could quietly mumble “I love you” into his ear.

        Woohyun watched until the cab was out of sight.

        When the car door shut, trapping Sunggyu inside the cramped cab, he was alone with his thoughts, which was no good because they were completely consumed by Woohyun. It hurt, Sunggyu thought, it hurt more than he thought it would, to be rejected by Woohyun. He hadn’t said it outright, but he might as well have. Somewhere along the line, Sunggyu had made a miscalculation, and the aftermath of it left him breathless and afraid.

        His sense of dread grew as he unlocked his apartment door and stepped inside. He realized it was no longer  _ his _ apartment; it was  _ theirs _ , and no matter how hard he tried he would never be able to remove every piece of Woohyun from it. He was the dust in the window panes and the leaky faucet on the bathroom sink; he was lodged in every floorboard and inside every wall.

        The weight in Sunggyu’s chest from last night hadn’t disappeared. If anything, it had grown. It had been hard to breathe before, but now it was suffocating. It was like the world was closing in, and Sunggyu needed to find a way out that caused the least amount of damage to himself. In the end, he truly was a self-preserving creature. What had he really expected from him, anyways? Woohyun had been a lapse of judgement, a mistake, one that he might still be able to salvage himself from. He began to pack a bag.

        Woohyun made his way back inside the house and leaned against the door. A part of him wanted to throw it open and chase after Sunggyu, but it lost out to the part of him that was tired, so tired. He made his way back into the kitchen and collapsed into one of the chairs at the dining table. His mother was busy doing dishes from breakfast.

        “You’re not leaving here until you tell me who this mystery girl is,” she said, not looking up from where she stood in front of the sink. Woohyun groaned and buried his head in his arms.

        “Can we not do this now?” He whined, “I’m tired.”

        His mother frowned. “What time did you go to bed last night?”

        “Early enough,” he muttered, “I just couldn’t sleep.”

        “Well, you better perk up because you’re running errands with me today,” she said, wiping her hands on a dish rag. Woohyun groaned again and got up to pour himself more coffee.

        Woohyun’s mother seemed to make it her mission to uncover who Woohyun’s mystery “girlfriend” was. It was driving him crazy. He winced every time she brought it up in front of other people and spent as much time in his room as he could. He couldn’t avoid the question around family, however, nor could he stop her from enlisting the help of every female relative he had.

        Everything fell apart on New Year’s Eve.

        Woohyun was curled up on the couch. It was mid-morning, and he was staring at Sunggyu’s contact in his phone, finger hovering over the ‘call’ button. He hadn’t called like he said he would, but it wouldn’t be the first time he promised something he couldn’t deliver on, he thought bitterly.

        He wanted to head straight back to his apartment; it was only on the other side of the city, but he was obligated to stay and celebrate New Year’s at his father’s restaurant. It was an annual party they hosted, invitation-only, at the family restaurant after closing up early. Usually he anticipated it more than Christmas itself. This year, Woohyun felt uncharacteristically numb.

        He closed his eyes as he heard his mother enter the living room. She spoke after a moment. “It’s not too late to invite your girlfriend to the New Year’s party. We’d love to meet her.”

        Woohyun’s lips curved into a bitter smile. “She’s afraid you won’t like her, Mom,” he said as he pushed himself up to sit, “I think she’s a bit scared.”

        “That’s nonsense,” his mother replied, sitting down beside him, “I raised you well, so what on earth could I dislike about her?”

        Woohyun’s gaze drifted down to his lap. He played with his fingers and hesitated before he said, “And if she were a man?”

        “What?”

        “What if she were a man?” Woohyun repeated quietly. His heart hammered against his chest in time to an unfamiliar beat.

        “Is this a joke?” She turned towards him and lightly shoved his shoulder. “I’m being serious, Woohyun-ah.”

        Woohyun felt something ignite inside his chest, setting fire to his lungs until flames came bursting out. “So am I!” he shouted. His heart sank when he realized what he had done.

        “Woohyun?” Her hand clutched Woohyun’s arm, digging her nails into his bicep. “What are you saying?”

        Woohyun clenched his jaw and pulled away from her grasp. “The person I celebrated Chuseok with-- the person I’m seeing is a man.”

        “Oh, God,” his mother put her face in her hands and trembled. They sat in miserable silence for a moment before Woohyun’s brother and father walked in.

        “What’s going on?” Boohyun asked, hesitating in the doorway. The two men slowly made their way inside the living room where Woohyun and his mother sat on the sofa. Woohyun’s fists were clenched as he drilled holes into the floor with his stare. His mother’s body shook in silent sobs. “What’s wrong with Mom?”

        “Please talk some sense into your son,” she said, wiping her tears on her sleeve, “He thinks he’s dating a man.”

        “I don’t ‘think’; I  _ know _ I’m--” Woohyun’s words died in his throat when he caught sight of his father’s sharp gaze. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. After a moment, he tried again. “I’m dating Sunggyu.”

        This brought a fresh wave of sobs to his mother and Boohyun’s mouth hung open. Woohyun shifted to make room on the couch as his father took a seat next to his mother, rubbing her back gently. She hadn’t cried this hard since Woohyun’s uncle had died.

        Woohyun wondered, was it really as bad as death for her?

        He hadn’t meant to make her cry. He hadn’t meant for any of this. This wasn’t what he wanted. The silence was deafening as they all sat there, racking their brains for something that could make sense of this senseless situation. The only sound was the occasional sob from his mother and the ticking of the clock that had hung on the wall as long as Woohyun could remember.

        “Dad, I--”

        “How long has this been going on?” his father interrupted. Woohyun froze at the question.

        “A little over a year,” he replied quietly. His mother curled into herself even tighter, if that was possible. His father merely nodded and pinched the bridge of his nose. Boohyun leaned against the bookshelf, staring at their mother worriedly.

        After a moment, his mother looked up to her husband, and they exchanged a look that made Woohyun’s heart sink to his stomach. He clenched and unclenched his fists from where they sat balled up on his knees. “It’s not that bad. Things are changing--”

        “I don’t care,” his father sighed. Woohyun bit his lip so hard it might bleed. “Woohyun, your mother and I love you, but this-- this kind of lifestyle isn’t what we want for you.”

        Woohyun sat silently, in shock. Their voices became muffled as his heart felt like it was being torn in half. When Woohyun felt drops of liquid fall onto his hands, he reached up to feel his face. He wondered when he had started crying.

        “We can’t accept this,” his father said. Woohyun clamped his hand over his mouth. He felt like he was going to be sick. “Please, just reconsider. You can’t have children, you can’t--” his father gestured helplessly. “You can’t get married or have a normal life. We don’t want you to see you suffer. It’s just not natural.”

        Woohyun’s shoulders shook at that. Not natural? How could that be when loving Sunggyu felt like the most natural thing in the world to him? He jumped when his mother spoke again. “He seemed so nice, that boy you brought. I don’t know what he did or said to you--”

        “Mom--”

        “--to make you do or think such awful things, but you’re not going to see him again,” she said, drying her eyes on her sleeve.

        “It’s not Sunggyu’s fault,” he growled. He jumped when his mother slammed her hand on the coffee table.

        “Why else would you be like this? Why else would you think this is okay?” she shouted. Ah, there it was, Woohyun thought, she had moved from denial to anger. He didn’t know why he was surprised.

        Woohyun spoke quietly. “Mom, I lo--”

        “Don’t say it. Please listen to me for just once in your life,” she begged, “I’m going to call a friend of mine. Her daughter’s still single. You will go to that party tonight and you will meet with her.”

        Woohyun felt like he’d been hit by a truck. Nothing felt real, and without Sunggyu there to center him, he was completely and utterly lost. He weakly protested, “Please, Mom, I--”

        “I don’t want to hear it,” she snapped, “Just go to your room.”

        “Mom, I’m 25--” The words died in his mouth as he winced at her sharp glare. He felt like he was a kid again, helpless and weak. He looked to the rest of his family for help. His father stared at him silently. Disappointed, Woohyun guessed. Boohyun just gazed at him sadly and scratched the back of his neck. He was alone, he supposed, completely and utterly alone.

        Sensing his total defeat, he retreated up the stairs to his bedroom. It was pathetic, he thought, being 25 and still getting grounded by his mother. He threw himself onto the bed and let the emotions he had barely kept at bay hit him all at once.

        He tried to put a name to everything he was feeling at that moment, because naming things helped him to understand them and understanding them would help him to come up with a course of action. He felt sad--no, disappointed. 

        He didn’t hate his parents, he couldn’t, because they loved him, of course they did. His mother did what she thought was best, and his father was still in shock. It was frustrating. He wished he could hate them, curse them, and leave them all behind. 

        But his mother was still the same woman who nursed him through every childhood sickness, and his father was still the man who taught him to play soccer. He couldn’t leave them any more than he could leave Sunggyu.

        Sunggyu, he thought, those feelings were… complicated. Or maybe they were very simple. The thought of living without Sunggyu made him feel unbearably and overwhelmingly empty. Sunggyu had come into his life and filled a void he never knew was there, and without him he was keenly aware of how much he’d come to rely on him. Thinking of him now--alone, feeling disappointed and let down that Woohyun had done exactly what everyone had always told him he would do--he had to see him, talk to him, anything to let him know it was okay, that they’d figure something out. He patted his pocket for his phone before realizing he’d left it downstairs. It was a little thing, but for Woohyun it was a breaking point.

        He cried--he cried harder than he could remember ever crying before, harder than a grown man should cry, but he had always been one for dramatics. He cried because it was unfair, all of it, that he should be born this way into a world that might never accept him, and he cried because sorting out his feelings  _ had _ made him realize the only thing he could do. He had to choose: his family or Sunggyu. The thought of living without one or the other filled him with so much despair that it leaked from his eyes and pushed its way past his mouth through pathetic sobs.

        He cried himself into exhaustion, and when the sobs and sniffles stopped, he simply felt nothing. It was like all the overwhelming emotions from before had drained from his body and in their wake left a profound emptiness. What was the point of it all? After all was said and done, what could he even call what he and Sunggyu had? They had grown from strangers, to friends, to lovers, but when they reached their limits as lovers, perhaps the only thing left to do was to return back to strangers. He wouldn’t be surprised if Sunggyu had already cleared out the apartment. He had always been ready to run at even the scent of trouble.

        It would be easier, he admitted, to just do as his mother asked and go on a date with some girl she had picked out for him, then marry her, and have as many kids as he wanted. He wouldn’t have to worry about his staff finding out and quitting, or his landlord finding out and evicting him. He pulled at his hair to stop this train of thought. He hated himself for it, but it was all hypothetical anyways. Maybe he could have settled for that a year ago, but a year ago he hadn’t known Sunggyu.

        He laid there until the sun went down, and then he pulled himself off the bed and washed up. His mother had been serious about making him go to the party, and if he weren’t ready on time there’d be hell to pay. He stared blankly at his reflection in the mirror as he adjusted the tie on his suit.

        His mind remained numb on his way to the restaurant, and it stayed that way until he made his way to the bar. He ordered as many drinks as he knew could bear, and then he ordered three more. Anything to keep him from thinking of all the things his conscious self was barely keeping at bay.

        A few hours later, when a woman approached him, he was too far gone to tell if she was the daughter of that family friend his mother had told him about or one of the kitchen staff. It didn’t matter, because she was warm and she was interested, and soon Woohyun found himself stumbling into the small office off the back of the kitchen, his lips on her neck.

        It was all wrong. The lights were on and it made the room spin and--when had he lost his tie? He tried to pull away, but he wasn’t sure which of them was undoing the buttons on his shirt. His breaths started coming in fast, like he couldn’t get enough oxygen to his lungs. He felt his stomach twist when a small, cool hand slipped inside his shirt.

        He groped for the door handle and stumbled back into the kitchen, ignoring the woman’s shouts of “Hey, stop! What are you doing?!”

        He staggered to the nearest sink and emptied the contents of his stomach. His gasps of air turned into ragged sobs and the tears burned as they squeezed their way out of his eyes and down his cheeks. The girl dashed out of the office and ran to get someone. Woohyun was still trying to catch his breath when he felt his brother rubbing small circles on his back.

        “Breathe, Woohyun,” he said quietly, “It’s okay. Just breathe.”

        His sobs subsided into hiccups, and Boohyun walked to a shelf and grabbed a cup to pour his little brother a glass of water. Woohyun rinsed out his mouth and spit.

        “I’m still okay to drive,” his brother said, making his way to the door, “I’ll get the keys from Dad and take you home.”

        The ride back was silent. Woohyun sat with a hand covering his eyes in an attempt to stop the interior of the car from spinning. Boohyun turned the radio up as the countdown began. When the clock struck midnight, Boohyun quietly mumbled, “Happy New Year.”

        Woohyun didn’t know why, but another tear slipped down his cheek. Shouldn’t they have run out by now?

        Boohyun helped drag his brother up the stairs and threw him onto his bed. He looked down at him sadly. “Does it have to be this way?”

        Woohyun cracked an eye open at his brother’s question. “I can’t change myself. Not even for them.”

        “I know,” Boohyun said quietly. He leaned down to rest a hand on Woohyun’s shoulder. “You’re still my baby brother.”

        Woohyun closed his eyes again and nodded, throat tight. He was asleep by the time Boohyun turned off the light and shut the door behind him.

        When he awoke the next day, it was already nearing evening, and he cursed as his head throbbed. The night came back to him in bits and pieces. He sighed.

        He washed up, then slowly crept down the stairs. He could hear his mom on the phone in the kitchen. She was talking to her friend, setting up a date for him. Woohyun felt sick.

        When she hung up he tentatively entered the kitchen. “Mom?”

        “There you are, Woohyunnie,” she smiled and pulled him into a hug, “You left early, so you missed meeting the neighbor’s girl, but I’ve got everything set up with her today. She just graduated, and she’s so lovely--”

        “I can’t, Mom,” he pleaded, “please understand.”

        “Understand what?” she asked, putting a hand on her hip, “It’s not right, Woohyun.”

        “Please, just stop--”

        “Do you even understand what you’re saying?” she continued, “Why would you want this for yourself?”

        He tried to control his breathing, tried to stop his heart from breaking. “I can’t help it, Mom, I--”

        “Please don’t tell me you love him or any nonsense like that,” she begged, “just listen to your mother.”

        “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m so, so sorry, but I can’t. I love him.”

        She grabbed him roughly by the arms, and shook him with surprising strength. “Nam Woohyun, if you leave, your father won’t let you back in. Please, just stay.”

        He didn’t reply, shook her off, and went upstairs to pack his things. It hurt even more, knowing he couldn’t come back, but he didn’t believe it was forever. He couldn’t. Thinking that this hurt would last forever would stop him from going, and he’d regret it for the rest of his life. He thought of Yunho, and of Jaejoong, and he couldn’t let that become his future. Maybe his future with Sunggyu was bleak, but without him it was nothing. It was an old photograph, drained of every color and faded beyond all recognition.

        When he finished packing, he found his brother standing outside his doorway. Boohyun bit his lip, and asked, “Are you sure about this?”

        He nodded, and Boohyun patted his shoulder and stepped aside. As he descended the stairs, he heard his mother crying in the living room. His father sat next to her on the couch, her head in her hands and his hand rubbing her back.Woohyun hadn’t realized he was staring until his father looked up and met his gaze. It was unreadable, and after a moment, Woohyun turned away and walked out the front door, slamming it closed behind him.

        It was cold and raining out, and it was supposed to snow that night. Woohyun cursed the traffic as he drove back to the apartment. He threw open the door and called out.

        “Sunggyu!” There was no answer, so he went to the bedroom. When he got there, his knees gave out. Sunggyu’s things were gone, even the picture that sat on the bedside table that they had taken together on one of those rare occasions when they went out. He should be back by now; his train ticket back from Jeonju was for the day after Christmas.

        “No, no no no,” he mumbled, searching the still messy sheets and dresser for some kind of note. Finding nothing, he ran his fingers through his hair, thinking of where he could be. He called Heechul.

        “Hello?” Woohyun sighed in relief when he answered.

        “Heechul, it’s me,” he replied, not wasting any time, “Where’s Sunggyu?”

        “Wouldn’t you like to know,” he said, and Woohyun could hear him say something to someone beside him.

        “Please, just tell me,” he begged, “I’m running out of time. Do you know where he is or not?”

        “Relax, kid,” he sighed, “Yeah, I know where he is. Don’t know why I should tell you.”

        Woohyun resisted the urge to throw his phone. “I know I messed up, just tell me where he is so I can fix this.”

        “He’ll murder me for telling you, but he’s at Sungjong’s apartment,” he said, “Though they’re probably ready to kill each other by now.”

        “Thanks,” he muttered, then hung up the phone. He thanked god that he remembered how to get there and that Sungjong attended the college he graduated from, so he was familiar with the area. It had grown dark out, and the rain was turning to ice, making the roads slick.

        He hadn’t really thought of what he’d say when he got there, but he would figure out something. He had to. Because Sunggyu was his and he was Sunggyu’s and they had been together long enough that they had sown themselves together, and to tear them apart would cause irreparable damage to them both.

        Sunggyu had probably outstayed his welcome. He knew he had, because Sungjong kept giving him these  _ looks _ and he had been the one to teach him those looks in the first place. He wondered where he would go next. Myungsoo’s apartment was so messy it frightened him, but Sungyeol would let him stay. He knew he’d have to go back eventually; he just needed time to think, to come to terms with everything.

        What did he even want to be to Woohyun? What could he offer him that some girl couldn’t give him and more? It would be better, he reasoned, for Woohyun at least, but then he wondered why it hurt so much. The thought of him with someone else burned him alive and ate at him from the inside out. It was an ugly feeling, a hateful one, but he would endure it if Woohyun could have a family. 

        Ah, yes, that was what he had wanted. 

        He wanted to be Woohyun’s family.

        He barely acknowledged the sudden knock at the door, but got up to answer it when Sungjong shouted at him from the other room. He threw open the door, ready to greet whichever one of Sungjong’s friends had decided to drop by, but froze when he saw Woohyun, dripping wet, standing in the doorframe.

        “Hi,” Woohyun said nervously, “Can I come in?”

        “Um,” Sunggyu looked behind him to the room where Sungjong was, “Sure, just keep your voice down.”

        Woohyun sighed in relief when he walked into the warm apartment. He didn’t have an umbrella, and he’d had to check several different buildings in the complex because he had forgotten exactly which apartment Sungjong lived in. Sunggyu looked at him expectantly, arms crossed.

        “Why aren’t you at your parent’s house?” Sunggyu asked, breaking the awkward silence.

        “Because I left to come find you,” Woohyun said, nervously licking his lips, “Why are your things gone from the apartment?”

        Sunggyu looked down, not speaking. After a tense moment, Woohyun begged, “Please talk to me, Sunggyu. Please look at me.”

        Sunggyu looked up and bit his lips when he saw how wet Woohyun’s eyes were. Hugging his arms tighter around himself, he said, “I didn’t know if you still wanted to be with me.”

        “Of course I do.” Woohyun pushed back his dripping wet hair. “I would never think that. I told them everything, you know.”

        Sunggyu stilled. “Did-- did they--”

        “I’m kicked out,” Woohyun laughed bitterly, “but at least they know the truth. They know that I love you.”

        Sunggyu looked at him in horror. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. This is all my fault--”

        “No, no--” Woohyun pulled Sunggyu against him, wrapping his arms around him. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

        “You should go back to them,” Sunggyu continued, vainly struggling against Woohyun’s hold, “You can still have a normal life.”

        “I don’t want normal. I want you,” Woohyun said, burying his face in Sunggyu’s neck. Sunggyu stiffened, then dropped his arms to his sides limply.

        Sunggyu bit his lip to hold back tears. “What about when our landlord starts asking why we live together when we’re so old? Or when you want kids?”

        “We’ll find a new apartment, and let’s start with a cat first,” Woohyun laughed. Sunggyu’s arms went hesitantly to his sides. As they slowly wrapped around Woohyun’s waist, Woohyun moved to cup Sunggyu’s face in his hands. He kissed him, and his kiss was a promise: that he was there, he was real, and that he wasn’t going anywhere.

        Friends, lovers, whatever--it didn’t matter what they called their relationship. It was one of those rare, fragile things that didn’t need a name to prove its existence. They could call it whatever they liked, and Woohyun chose to call it love.

        That night was the first snowfall of the year, and Woohyun didn’t sleep alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading until the end! Thank you for every kudos, comment, and subscribe! I'm sorry I didn't reply to everyone's comments, but know that I was reading and re-reading them while powering through this never-ending chapter! Thank you so much!


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